It's What Mothers Do

4

It feels weird sitting in your doctor's office with your mom by your side, given everything that you did behind her back up until this point. Dr Robbins couldn't have been happier to see your mom with you, she had been stressing how important it was for you to tell her but you weren't ready. To be honest, you're not even sure you would have told her if she hadn't come into your room that night.

But regardless, here you are sitting beside her as Dr Robbins runs through your medical history.

"Okay Y/N, with what you've told me about when your last period was, I'm going to say that you're probably eight or nine weeks pregnant. Does that sound right to you?"

You cringe, feeling embarrassed. Your mom is no doubt calculating in her head when you must have had sex with Chris for all of this to happen, and if she does she'll realise that it was when her and your father were out of town.

"Um, yeah I guess so. Am I going to have a scan to hear the heartbeat today?" you ask timidly while twiddling your thumbs. You really don't like being here.

"No not today. Sadly with only being eight or so weeks, we won't pick up anything on an ultrasound but if we wait another month then we'll get that first scan done" she smiles, and all you can do is nod. "Have you been taking your folic acid supplements?"

"Yeah, every morning" you reply, looking over at your mom who gives you a smile. Without your mom, you would have probably forgotten to take them, truth be told. She reminds you each morning when she's taking her own medication. It's sort of become a thing for you two now, as weird as that sounds.

"Ah good, you'll be able to stop taking them by the time of your next appointment. Now since we already have a blood and urine sample, I'm just going to check your blood pressure and then do a height and weight check. Is that okay?"

You give her a nod as your mom gives your hand a squeeze. All of this is so overwhelming and it's starting to really sink in that you are in fact having a baby.

"You okay sweetheart?" your mom asks upon sensing your uneasiness.

"Yeah, just a little overwhelmed" you admit before biting the inside of your cheek to keep your emotions in check. All you seem to do is cry lately. "Is it normal to be so freaking emotional all the time?" you ask with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Your mom looks at you with sympathetic eyes.

"Very normal Y/N, don't even worry about that" Dr Robbins replies while wrapping the blood pressure strap around your upper arm. "Now this may feel a little uncomfortable but it won't last long."

The sound of the strap tightening around your arms seems to fill the silence before your mom speaks up.

"It feels like yesterday when I was in here getting my first prenatal check done, it's crazy" she smiles at Dr Robbins, who nods in agreement.

"Gosh I know, it's amazing to see it all coming full circle huh?" she replies, and you watch as your mom's eyes begin to well up as she nods.

"Yeah, it's beautiful" she sniffs, still smiling.

You reach your free hand out and she happily takes it, squeezing your hand. You can't help but feel more guilt over everything. This isn't what she wanted for you, not yet anyway, and you feel as though your mother's tears aren't from being happy.

"I really am sorry mom" you admit before your attention turns to the strap being removed from your arm.

"Oh baby don't be, I'm fine. It's just going to be an adjustment but I truly am happy" she replies, but you're not convinced. "Y/N, really, it'll be okay."

"She's right you know" Dr Robbins speaks up and all you can do is offer her a smile. "Your blood pressure is looking good, so I have no concerns with that. Now we'll just get you onto the scales for a weight check."

You do as instructed and step onto the scales, avoiding the number. You don't really have an issue with your weight, but right now you just don't feel your best and knowing if you've gained anything is only going to make you feel worse.

"That's great, I'll just get your height and then you can sit back down."

Once Dr Robbins has got all her measurements, she gives me a few more information leaflets about good foods to eat during pregnancy and some birthing classes around the area you live in before touching on another topic.

"So Y/N, have you thought about whether or not you're wanting to breastfeed?"

Her question kind of stumps you. Of course you haven't thought about it, you've been too busy thinking about how you're ever going to have a life again. Does that make you a mad mother for not even thinking about how you're going to feed your baby? It seems as though you're failing already.

"No, is it better to do that rather than formula?"

"Your milk has everything that your baby needs, so I would say that yes breastfeeding is your best option, but I can appreciate that it isn't that easier for everyone. It's a personal choice, I'm not here to force you into anything."

You look over at your mom, silently asking her what she thinks.

"It's your choice baby girl. I breastfed you and it was beautiful, but I know that your Aunt Dallas found it too much and she bottle fed your cousins."

Sighing, you feel yourself getting overwhelmed again, which Dr Robbins seems to pick up on.

"Hey, you don't have to decide right now, I'll give you some more leaflets and you can read up on it. You've got time Y/N, be a little kinder to yourself please."

You sniffle in response, mumbling an I'll try through your weakened voice. You just want to go home and hide in bed now. You've had enough for one day.

"So everything looks good, and we've got your next appointment in the diary for a month's time. If you're happy with what we've gone through today then you're free to go. Please don't hesitate to call me if you've got any questions though!"

Your mom thanks Dr Robbins, and you closely follow behind with your leaflets clutched in your hands as you make your way back into the private parking lot. You're not risking paparazzi snapping pictures.

Once inside, you put your seatbelt on before releasing a sigh, closing your eyes as your lean your head against the window.

"You okay?" your mom asks, but you don't have any strength to utter a single word so all you do is nod. She places a hand on your knee. "I know it's overwhelming, and I know you're worried your Dad is still mad at you but I promise you Y/N it's all going to be fine."

"You think so?" you ask, your voice cracking with how weak it is. Your eyes meet hers hesitantly.

"I know so" she replies with a smile and for a moment you feel a slight weight off your shoulders.

You just hope she's right.