Memories That Fade Like Photographs

Circles

   She brought you up today. I'm in my turmoil; my braided wits. I've gone so long not hearing your name and me... I've actually been ok. Your name sifted through my ears like Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, Second Movement. It's almost been 1 year since you spoke to me. I laughed, you didn't even speak to me, you wrote to me, no I would have rather that than text. Maybe the blow would have been softer had you handwritten a letter, explaining your side of things. Maybe, I wouldn't have torn myself apart calling to an unanswered recording. Maybe, I could have gotten a word in edge wise.
I had come to terms with where we stood many years ago. I let certain passes slide off my shoulder, off my lips for fear they weren't real. But I was okay. I was okay with being your sheild, your rock, your door mat.
She asked if I had heard from you. Because you asked how I was. You don't care. You can't possibly care. You never have.  She told me how she said you should hear me out. You want to push this under the rug.
But I can't forget my uncontrollable tears, my roaring through my room, where I asked myself what I've done wrong. Still trying to figure out how I became the bad guy in a jealous girl's dangerous game. I demanded closure, my turn to speak, my turn to scream and say disgusting things. But I was too weak to hold myself up. Too exhausted to fight anymore. And I found myself asking, "What am I even hanging onto anymore?"
Nothing. There was nothing there, there never was and I was so blind. Romanticising some ideal, some notion, some fantasy of the kind of person I thought you could be. And I was wrong.
I trusted the wrong people, you included. I broke my wall down too far for the snake that would destroy me and take everything I had. And I was willing to give it up. I was willing to let you go. She just could not let me walk away, she needed to burn us both down in her firey inferno of psycho. And you let her. If she can't have you, no one can. You want your restart button? You want to save what ever it is we had? I've moved on. You should too. Consider the past, past and we have no future. I didn't get my closure. But here's yours. Please don't throw anyone else into your hole. No more dangling ropes to give us hope when you're not even at the other end.