I Promise

38

I stay quiet. "You need someone right now," is all I say. 

"Rynn, leave," he says again, and he looks right into my eyes. They're filled with sadness and it makes my stomach hurt.

"Matt, I can't leave you like this. You're in pain," I protest.
"I need you to go, now," he says. His voice is pleading, but there's a hint of frustration.

"No," I say.

Matt sucks in a breath. "Why? Why do you care so much?" he asks, his voice getting louder. "Why can't you just leave!" he shouts. "Did you not see what just happened?" he asks, his voice cracking. He's biting his mouth in an effort not to cry. "My loss will never heal, because," he stammers circling around the room, "because of this!" he shouts, waving his arms in the air. "No matter where I go, no matter who I try to be, I will always be Dean when I come home, even if it's for a moment. And because of that, I'll be reminded that my brother died that night because of me!" he screams. A few tears stream down his eyes.

"Matt that's not true," I say back, and my voice is getting louder too. "I can't leave because I want to help you. For god's sake, you helped me!" I shout. "You need to understand that maybe, in a few years, it will be better. Maybe now, it sucks, I know. It fucking sucks! But you can't distance yourself away, you'll just hurt yourself," I say, and my voice is loud, strong. I need him to understand, I need him to stay, because I can't imagine him being depressed.

He stands for a moment, looking at me, his face red. "Why do you even care," he asks quietly. And then he laughs. "Look at me, Rynn!! I'm a fucking mess!! I can't fix what I have! You don't have to see your father ever again, but I do! I see him every goddamn day! And my mom, god, she sometimes makes it even worse!" he exclaims.

"I do care," I respond, but he laughs again.

"I can't give you anything, Rynn. I can't be the guy that you saw on the soccer field that day. That wasn't me," he begins.

"It was you, Matt." I counter. "It was you, because you helped me, whether you know it or not. You were the one that got me out of my state. You were the one that helped me when no one else did. You showed me how to live Matt," I argue. "Remember that day you asked me if I was living?" I ask. "Every time I do something with you, it turns into an adventure. It's because of Matt Redford I was able to face all the shit in my life," I say.

Matt begins to protest, and his voice is cracking even more. "That's the problem, Rynn," he says hoarsely. "You've never seen me go in and out of being me," he says quietly. "One day I'm happy and, then the next, it's like someone drops a weight on my chest. I can't breathe, I can't get up, I can't do anything. You've never seen me like that. You don't want to see me like that."

"Matt, I don't care," I protest. "Whatever state you're in, you're Matt. The Matt that I know is always going to be here. At the drop of a hat, remember?" I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

"You don't know what's it's like," he says. His voice is hollow. "You know that day I saw you on the field? I thought that you were the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And the more I got to know you, the more I realized you deserve someone better. Someone that isn't me."

"Don't say that," I begin, my voice cracking this time.

"But I got involved. I fell for you, Rynn Connaughy, and I can't get out," he says. Sadness is painted all over his face.

"Why is that bad?" I whisper. I come closer and reach out to touch his face, to see why he's trying to shut me out, to try and understand why he says I deserve someone better.

"Because you don't want to be with someone like me," he repeats, his voice getting frustrated. "Why can't you just let me go?" he asks.

I grab his face with both of my hands. "Because I fell for you, Matt Redford," I say. Tears well up in my eyes. "I fell for you hard, and I can't get out too."

And then Matt breaks down. He just starts to cry. I stand back for a second, shocked to see him so pained, so hurt. He leans against my shoulder and he's crying for who knows how long, but his weight seems to sink into me and we both sink to the floor. I hold him in my arms, as if holding him tight would remove all the pain he had faced in the world. I wonder if he's ever broken down, if he's ever cried, or he just kept it all in. It seems like he's kept all these emotions bottled up, and finally the glass broke. I just hope it's a good thing.

He looks at me, cupping my face in his hands.

"At the drop of a hat," I whisper. I brush his stray tears away with my thumbs and then I softly brush my lips against his - try to make him understand. I need him. And I think he needs me too.

He pulls me in, gently brushing back my hair, but then he draws back. He stopped crying, but his cheeks are stained from the trails of his tears. He looks at me, scanning my face, and then he looks at his reflection in the mirror near the kitchen table.

And something inside of him shifts. He seems to be surprised by the way he looks. He breaks away from me and steps back, looking at me. Almost as if we're strangers. Like he doesn't know who I am.

"You need to leave," he says again.

"What?" I exclaim. "Matt, I'm not leaving you like this," I say; now the tears begin to form around my eyes, clouding my vision.

"You have to, Rynn."
"Why?" I demand, I'm shouting again.

Matt rubs his face. "Fuck, Rynn. I'm trying to do this for you!" he shouts. "I'm trying to give you the best shot you have!"

I stand there, stunned. "We made a promise to each other," I say quietly. Now the tears fall down, and I can't care less. My world is slowly turning upside down and swallowing me whole.

Matt stops for a moment, and his face softens a bit. And just like that, it disappears.

He's about to say something but my phone rings. It's an unknown number, and I hurriedly pick it up and answer.

Apparently, the world hates me because the call is from the hospital.

My phone drops out of my hand when I hear that my Nana is in the hospital.

Yikes. Okay, so I may or may not be stalling because the last chapters I wrote have made me cry every damn time I read them again. So prepare yourselves. Because I don't even want to post them here??

But alas, you have to learn what happens to the beautiful Matt Redford and Rynn Connaughy, right? You have to know what promises are kept, and which ones are broken. 

Where will things go from here?

I don't know. But I promise that you will find out soon enough.

Yours, 

FanaticWriter15