Metaphorically Gone

Scuicide

There comes a time in depressed persons life when the word "suicide" becomes more then just a word or a horrible action. It becomes an option. Today, that time came for me. I just wanted to die and not be alive anymore. It was just way too hard for me, I could not take it. I never told anyone this before, but I have placed my hands around my neck three times now. A few months ago it was for the first time, I could not believe myself. I was laying in my bed crying then my hands just rose up to my neck and applied pressure. Another time is when I was outside, not to long ago and I was looking at the stars. I was hyperventilating and just placed my hands there. The most recent time was today. Today after running out of my house, I ended up at the dead end. The dead end is outside my neighborhood, very isolated, quiet, and beautiful. I sat a little farther down then I normally do. I was crying, hyperventilating, and just overwhelmed. I sat for a very long time before my hands found themselves around my neck. I never apply enough pressure to hurt, bruise, or even take my life. I apply just enough pressure to eventually let go and leave me gasping for air. It is a horrible thing, I am very aware of it. I literally can not help it though. I have slowly eased back into cutting as well. So, my life has gone back to complete hell and sadness. Yay me right? I was just too tired to keep my strength. I am just broken. I am just suicidal. I am metaphorically gone.