Poetry

Self Self

hey white girl. you don't look native american. i don't believe you. you are joking right?

I hear you speak and all I can think of is a question: Is this how my mother felt growing up?

My mother was raised on reservation soil, born and bred American Indian. There is no fault for my grandmother's ivory, just as there is no fault for my mother's skin or even my own, but everyone blamed my family. My mother was too pale for the reservation and too dark for the white kids. There is no fault for the coloring she gave me. All skin is beautiful. Wintu flows within me like blood in veins, and just as equally hidden. I don't look the part people want me to play. I am white girl, yes, but I am so much more. Just look in my eyes and see. They are the color of the earth my people cultivated, rich and beautiful. Look beyond the shade of my skin or hair. Those will fade with time. All earthly bodies go, age. I am more than my body. I am more than what people see me as. I don't identify myself by the color of my skin. Other people do that enough already.

hey pretty thing. are you old enough to take a ride with me? you look like a woman. you are joking right?

I hear you speak and all I can think of is a question: Is this how every woman feels?

I was raised to cross my legs and and close my mouth. It was unattractive to have so many questions. As a child, I was shamed for growing, because it meant my skirts grew shorter too. I was so confused at eight years old when I was told my own body was inappropriate. I was taught to cover myself, wear underclothes to cover the intimate parts of me. It didn't matter if it was comfortable for me, as long as it was for everyone else. I can't leave the house without them anymore. I could never leave the house alone. I was taught that I am always in danger, whether it be of drugs, kidnapping, or rape. I remember being told that I would be raped if I went anywhere alone when I was six years old. I had to ask my mother what rape was. Now, I am all too aware. Every shadow is a potential thief in the night and I am the precious thing awaiting to be stolen. I am precious china, locked in a cupboard for safety and to be looked at whenever my owner wants.