How Do I Feel The World?

Confession of a Soldier

My head was full; yet my heart was empty. Blank. I couldn't breathe.

Even now, sometimes I can't breathe. Intrusive thoughts are destroying me little by little.

But-

I still hadn't given up, not now. Not ever.

I have put my mental health before everything and everyone.

Even though I still am the humble person from before, I don't have the strenght to feel down again.

I need to put myself before everything else.

Because it's a battle between myself and I.

People can help, people have helped.

But it has to start from me.

Maybe this thing doesn't make any sense, but to me, it does.

Am I happy everyday?

No, who is?

Everyone has ups and downs, me too.

Even though I have really bad downs.

But I'm still here, and I'll stay as long as my lungs let me breathe.

And if someday I wake up not feeling like doing anything, I won't mind.

I'm putting this clear.

I am still recovering, and there's no shame.

I relapsed long time ago, and it's almost a year since then.

Sometimes I think about it, I really wanna trigger myself. I like the thought.

But that's not the answer.

I can't think like that anymore.

Because; I'll rather stay clean than have to start all over again.

Thinking about it makes me almost vomit.

Yet; not.

See? There's a real war going inside my head.

I drew, wrote on arms and thights 'cause I can't ruin them again.

I won't.

I don't need to.

This is a confession.

To everyone who knows me: don't worry.

You just need to comprehend and be there for me.

So don't worry. I'm a soldier, a warrior fighting against and for myself.

And you can bet I'm winning this fucking war;

and there's no going back.