I love you, but I'm tired of giving so much more than I get.
Every relationship requires work because love alone is not enough to make it last. But sometimes, I wonder why does it seem like I am the only one who realize that?
I love you and I don't want to leave you, but I'm exhausted and I feel that I have reached my limitation.
Every night, the ache starts to build in my chest. Something hurts inside me but I can't figure out what exactly it is or where is it. Every part of my body aches; my stomach is acting up and I feel like throwing up, my heart is beating slower as if it doesn't want to pump anymore, my head screams with so much thoughts, and my legs got weaker, I can't even make myself stand straight. My eyes starts to hurt because it has been drowning from my tears that kept on falling.
Is this the feeling of being too strong for quiet a while, and you have finally reached your peak?
Am I being too needy if I want more than this? I want more than after-shift dates. I want surprise dates, it doesn't have to be extravagant, it just have to be him and me. I want occasional flowers, it doesn't have to be a bouquet, just a piece will do. I want late night texts about nonsense things, little fights that's nothing serious, morning messages as soon as he wakes up. I want him to tell me about how good or bad his day went. I want to be the first person to know and congratulate him when something great happen.
I want tight back hugs, I want him to grab my hand in front of everyone, to kiss me on the cheek when I'm not looking, to kiss me on my lips when I'm talking too much, to grab me on my waist when another guy is looking, to hug me when I'm about to cry, to kiss me on the forehead goodbye.
I want something more than casual movie dates, I want to see the last screening, to run and get popcorn and drinks, to get the best seat, to read the credits. I want to talk about life, goals and dreams. I want something more serious. Am I too demanding to ask this?
I deserve something more than casual I love you's, I want the genuine one. I want to be missed, to be looked for, to be cared for. I want to be the woman he's proud of having, not the one he's hiding. I want him to love all of me, not just some part of me. I want cuddle and movie nights, I want him to be contented of just being with me and not doing me. I want kisses that lasts. I want respect.
I believed him when he told me he loves me more than I do, that he won't leave, he won't get tired, that he's different. I trusted him, and I was stupid.
I chose to stay, I chose to love. But I'm getting tired.
I want to love him longer, to spoil him, to give him everything he wants, to make him happy, to make life comfortable for him. I want to hug him when he's sad, to kiss him casually just because, to surprise him even when there's no occasion, to visit him when he's sick, to buy him things.
I love him, but it's exhausting.
It's exhausting to give everything I can and not receive the same amount in return. It's tiring to love someone whom you're not sure if he feels the same way about you. It's tiring to love someone who makes you feel unsure of yourself and unimportant.
I'm not demanding, I want to feel worthy without requesting, I think I deserve that much. It's tiring to give your all to someone who doesn't give the same effort. It's exhausting to run after someone who doesn't wanna stay. I deserve something more than your coldness, your anger and your unending requests.
All of a sudden, I felt really tired. I held on for so long, I was too strong for so long. But it feels like the world had drained me for everything that I had.
I'm trying.
I was trying.
I tried.
I'm tired.
I love you, but I'm so tired of loving you.
