Such an ordinary family

The Heart is so clumsy

Bobby came back and saw Jo curled up on her chair, lost in her thoughts, staring at her plate. She had hardly touched her scrambled eggs.
She looked up when he discreetly coughed to notify his presence.
« Coffee? » he proposed, heading to the coffee machine.
« No thanks.... I'm fine » she replied in a tired voice.
« Did you bang your head on the door? » he asked, pointing at his own lip.
« No, I bit myself while eating...Hence... » She showed her unfinished meal.
« Really? » Bobby found it hard to believe. « Is Dean already up? » he asked, looking at the empty plate on the table.
« Yes, but he went back to bed, he doesn't feel well... »
Bobby sat down next to her and took his hat off.
« He went through some difficult times lately. I think his aborted romance with Lisa was the last straw »
Jo slouched, hands between her knees, looking heartbroken...
« Don't worry, he'll recover, eventually »
« If you say so, Bobby » Yet she refrained from mentioning what she had learned, what she couldn't tell Bobby, hence keeping her promise to Dean.
She touched the bruise on her hitching lip... Was he that lost that he couldn't prevent from hitting her?

This gesture had destroyed the little resistance left in his heart... She had seen her brother cry on very rare occasions and she had felt much more shaken by his blow than his attitude when he had collapsed in her arms, feeling lost, out of control.
Dean wasn't the man to show his grieves in any way, even with the closest family members. Since always... The only time when Jo saw her brother cry was when his mother died; and even then, he had taken refuge in the cellar, hiding his tears so that nobody would see him...
When his son was born, he cried of joy, even if he had tried not to show his emotions.
On the other hand, he had managed to do so when his little girl was born...
But she would never forget the cold and distant tears he shed when he lost his beloved Tessa.
Tears of hatred and anger as he had to cope with the feeling injustice had overcome all the rest.
She only learned several months later that he had let his pain explode in front of Castiel...when they were sorting Tessa's belongings in various boxes several weeks after she died. He had collapsed, holding a pj he used to hate. Castiel had walked closer and suddenly Dean had let go for good.
Since that time, he would keep his pain down deep inside. When the wall was about to crack, he was making fun about everything not to lose control... Dean had never been the exhibitive type, except with his children.
Although during all these years they had seen his love for Tessa in his eyes and gestures, they had never seen him kiss her in public or show more intimate token of affection openly... He kept it all very private...
Her brother was always uncomfortable showing his feelings, the very reason why Tessa fell for him at their first date.
Dean and that clumsy heart of his, as she used to say with tenderness.

Jo hated to imagine how Dean was feeling right now.
The fact that he had slapped her in the face was an obvious evidence pain was eating him from inside and he was unable to cope with what had fallen on him.
Losing Lisa for one, the ambiguous situation as he felt attracted to a man, his best friend above all, and here he was, diving into tortuous doubts and challenging. He could look for answers leading to denial, but in the end, he would sink into the obvious fact he was refusing to admit... It was a strange mixture of desire and gut aversion.
Jo had felt this slap in the face as an act of panic. It had become obvious that Dean was unable to live with this duality. Initiating that kiss meant he had somehow privileged desire over reason although he hated losing control of his emotions.
He may try to deny it all, nothing would ever be the same anymore...
And it was terrifying to him, as the fear he experienced when he clung to this mother's light, or Tessa's. He was afraid to end up in the dark again if the light went off...
That same light that started flickering when Castiel ended in a hospital bed.

The silence that grew between Bobby and Jo, lost in their thoughts, was suddenly broken when the children rushed in, fighting over who would have access to the shower first.
« Slow down, kids, this ain't a circus! » Bobby said in a harsh voice, which made them quiet down immediately. « Don't I get a morning kiss? » he mumbled, putting a finger on his cheek on which Jewel planted a strong kiss.
« Thanks Sweetie »
« Hi Uncle Bobby » Chadwick said as he sat down at the table.
« So... What do you want for breakfast? » Bobby asked as he stood up.
« Cereal » Jewel claimed with a big smile.
« I only have honey flakes...»
« OK ».
« What about you, Chad? »
« Same »
« Well, at least it's easy to please you, kids» he said, winking at Jo who smiled at him. « Your father and your aunt used to require a different breakfast each and every morning »
There was a tender smile on Jo's face.
« But you loved to please us, right, old grumpy »
« Mmm yes » he put two bowls and a half-opened cereal box.
« Where's Dad? » Jewel inquired.
« He went back to bed » Jo replied.
« Is he all right ? » Chadwick looked worried.
« Yes, Chad, he's fine. He just had several very busy weeks lately » she extended a hand and patted his nose with her finger. The boy forced himself to smile although he looked worried.
« He needs to rest... He's tired»
« He's not tired. He's sad because Castiel isn't here » Jewel words were filled with genuine innocence.
Jo and Bobby exchange a look full of undisclosed meaning.
« Why do you think that, Sweetie? » Jo asked her.
« Dunno » the girl said, shrugging her shoulders and pouring cereals in her bowl.