Why the Straight One? | Book 1 | bxb

Entry 36 - Go Find Your Man

So of course I really want to find out who tops out of Raymond and Cole. The thing is, I don't know how I'm supposed to find that out. It's not like I could just ask one of them during a normal conversation. I'd hardly said anything to Cole before, and I wasn't close enough with Raymond to just randomly ask him how he enjoyed letting Cole top. Because that was obviously the case.

I realized that I hadn't spent much time with Alan, or even asked him how he was coping with everything. Even though I wasn't the one who kissed Elliot, I still felt like I had a secret I was hiding from Alan. But I couldn't avoid him any longer. Somehow, everyone else had left and I was alone with Alan. He was on his phone, and either didn't notice that I was there, or didn't feel like talking.  I cleared my throat awkwardly, and he glanced up from his phone.

"Your friends are really stupid." I was surprised by his opening sentence, but I definitely wasn't in disagreement with it.

"How so?"

"There is obviously a connection between them, and they are both too proud to admit it. I stayed with Jay since...well, for the last few months, and those two literally do everything together. Like, Cameron even comes and visits him during his lunch break at the tattoo parlor!

And they both would totally deny there being any sort of feelings between them. They go around thinking they have all the time in the world, and that things will always be the same, but that's not true. Things change. They change without warning, and leave you with nothing but the memories of all your missed opportunities."

I was surprised by his burst of feelings, and didn't quite know what to say. Of course he was right about them, but I knew he wasn't just talking about Cameron and Jay.

"And before you start feeling bad for me, I wasn't talking about myself. I have good memories. Amazing memories, and I have no regrets, because I actually admitted that I like him ages ago." He stood up, looking around him with tear filled eyes.

"Alan-"

"I'm fine!" He said through clenched teeth, looking anything but fine.

"You don't have to tell me anything, Alan, but you don't have to pretend either." He looked conflicted, but didn't step away. I waited, not wanting to cut him off if he started to speak.

"Sometimes I start to think about what might be happening to him. Elliot's a lot gentler than people think. I try not to think about what it's like there for him with Jasper, but I can't help it. And we—"

He wrapped his arms around his chest, and looked away from me, trying to hide the tears that slipped from his eyes.

"We were going to elope. Did you know that?"

"I—no, I didn't. What stopped you?"

"Elliot stopped us." He was trying hard to control the emotion in his voice, but it quivered when he said his name.

"He said he couldn't just abandon his country like that. And I was just supposed to be good with that, and to not resent him for it. But sometimes—"

The door opened suddenly, and Raymond walked in. He stopped, his eyes going between the tearful face of Alan, and my own. They softened instantly, and he stepped fully into the room.

"Hey, what's wrong, Alan?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. I just need to...go for a walk." He hurried past Raymond out of the room. Raymond watched him go for a few seconds, then turned to me.

"You know, I've grown pretty fond of him ever since he and Elliot started dating. They were supposed to keep it a secret in the beginning, but Elliot told me about him right away. I should talk to him while he's here since I know him pretty well."