Scholar

Nineteen

The week crawled by so slowly yet managed to remain in my memory as a smudged blur. By Friday, I couldn't stay still for a second. My leg was constantly bouncing my knee up and down. My fingers could hardly keep from fiddling with whatever was nearby. My heart was constantly beating at a hundred miles per hour, and whenever I wrote anything, my handwriting was rushed and barely readable.

Ryan wanted to tell everyone we were dating, but I was hesitant because Chelsea didn't know yet. He said he was okay with waiting until I was ready, but I was pretty sure he was bothered by it, anyway.

When I finally reached my last class of the day, I sat by Ryan, jittering like I had been the entire week. I could hardly control myself.

"Okay, what's going with you?" Ryan asked.

"Huh?" I asked, hardly processing what he said. I looked over at him, and he was staring at me with one eyebrow higher than the other.

We were sitting on the floor, my knees up and my arms resting on them while my feet were flat on the ground. Ryan was sitting with his legs crossed and his hands folded in the space in the middle of his legs.

"Are you okay? You've been acting really, really weird lately," he repeated. I shrugged and looked down, tapping my foot on the floor.

"I'm okay. I'm just stressed. Nothing special," I replied. Ryan didn't seem to believe me and scoffed.

"Come on, what is it?" I shook my head. I mean, it was petty. I know I had really good grades. I could get into plenty of colleges and get scholarships, so why should I be worried about one? It wouldn't ruin my life if I didn't get in. Besides, I'm sure he had a lot worse things to worry about.

"It's nothing, really," I insisted.

"Alex, come on," he pleaded. "I can tell you're anxious. What's got you so worked up?" I sighed, setting my hands on the ground on both sides of me. Ryan moved his warm, soft hand over the top of mine, covering the action with his leg.

"This weekend should be when I find out if I got into Stanford or not because I did early admission," I explained. "I know it's stupid, but I'm really worried about it."

I was ready for Ryan to belittle my concerns as I feared. I fully prepared for him to tell me what I expected, that it didn't matter if I got into that college because there were plenty of others. That was the response I always got. I was always told my concerns didn't matter because I was smart and could work past anything.

The truth is, I couldn't. I hated that everyone wanted me to. I felt so defeated when I was told that whenever I had trouble with something or was upset, it didn't matter because I "was way too smart" and "could figure it out."

Maybe, my concerns were petty. Who got upset over being considered smart? It was just lonely sometimes when everyone expected me to figure my life out on my own because I could work my way around a math problem. That didn't mean I knew how to handle absolutely crushing anxiety, but I guessed that didn't matter.

"It's stupid," I told him, quickly. It was better to acknowledge it myself than hear it from him. "I know it is, sorry."

"What? No," he said, surprising me slightly. "That's a huge fucking deal. Why didn't you tell me?" I was a little shocked he cared so much.

"Uh, I don't know," I said. "I didn't think you'd care."

"Why wouldn't I?" I shrugged. "I bet you'll get in. I think you're way too worried. Then again, it's good to be a little worried. It means you care. But being too worried will just drive you insane." I knew he had a point. I was just so worried about it. I'd never felt like this before. I guess this feeling was the antithesis of when I kissed Ryan because, God, that always left me feeling ecstatic.

"Lucky that I'm a good driver, then." Ryan raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"You're a major idiot," he said. I smiled a little. "You know what, I've decided."

"Decided what?"

"Last time I invited you to a party, you got into a fight, so we didn't go. Technically, you owe me one, so we're going to my cousin's party tonight." I laughed and saw the confusion on Ryan's face.

"What, you're serious?" I didn't even let him answer because I quickly realized myself. "No, no fucking way, I don't do parties, please, no and no, thank you." Ryan smiled widely and held back a laugh. "What is so funny?"

"You," he said. "You need to stop being so tense and uptight. I'll invite everyone and we'll all have the time of our lives, okay? Be there at eight with Chelsea."

"Ryan..." I wanted to protest, but the excitement in his hopeful eyes stopped me.

"Live in the moment, remember?"

 "Fine," I mumbled.

"It's gonna be bitchin'. I'll text you the address." I smiled and shook my head. All too suddenly, he leaned next to me, his lips brushing over my ear. Shivers ran marathons down my spine and caused my body to shake subtly. "And let me know if you're not having fun. I'll change that," he said in a hushed whisper. I shut my eyes, feeling my blood burn through the skin in my cheeks and show. I knew that a physical reaction was all he wanted, but I refused to give him one any more than my uncontrollable blush.

"Okay," I said, pretending to be bored. "Sounds cool."

"Huh?" I smirked. I'd finally caught him totally off guard. "That's it? Just cool?"

"Yep," the bell rang, and I stood up and threw my bag over my shoulder, nearly sighing in relief. "I'll see you at eight, loser."

"Right," he confirmed, obviously still confused over how nonchalant I was. That was definitely a first. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him shake his head, quickly scrambling to his feet and hurrying to catch up to me. "At least let me walk with you to your car," he insisted.

"Fine," I sighed loudly. He laughed and walked close to me. I felt his hand slide down my arm and grab mine. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He moved our hands into his pocket, and I leaned against him while we walked outside. I leaned against my car, and he stood in front of me. "You're gonna miss your bus," I told him.

"I don't care." He leaned close to me and kissed me, but I pushed him away. 

"You probably should. I won't give you a ride if you miss your bus because you're being stupid." Ryan pouted.

"It's your fault I'm stupid. You took all the smart the world has." I shrugged.

"Just go," I said with a smile. 

"Fine."

"Hey, Ryan," Chelsea caused both of our heads to whip in her direction. She had an innocent smile on her face, and I looked down guiltily. 

"Hey, Chels," he greeted in his usual charismatic manner. "Just letting you know, you and you're stiff of a brother are coming to a party at my cousin's tonight. Is that cool?" 

"Yeah, for sure." I could hear her trying to keep herself from screeching in excitement. I looked up and saw her pull her shirt down a little and throw her hair over her shoulder. "I can't wait. It'll be fun."

"Uh, um, yeah- it'll be-" Ryan seemed to notice what she did, too. and could hardly speak. I slammed my foot down on his, cutting him off, and heard him gasp. Chelsea crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. I grabbed her arm and pulled her passed Ryan.

"Go away, Ryan," I snapped at him. "Chelsea, keep your clothes on."

"Alex!" she whined in embarrassment. I watched Ryan walk away and sighed as I got into the driver's seat.

"Just...don't do that, Chelsea."

"I didn't do anything!"

"Right," I mumbled. 

"I didn't."

"Sure, sure."