more than jaded

one-shot

No matter how much you begged, the past cannot change. You simply just cannot rewrite the stars...

~*~

In between you and Yoongi, you were always the more patient one. But it didn't mean your anger wasn't the most explosive. It was simple science— the more pressure you put the bigger the boom. He was a lot more rigid. A stone cold face and an even tone was a lot scarier than your torn vocal chords and red face you have learned. Yoongi was a bitch when he was angry because he was just so calm. Sometimes you couldn't even tell, but his shaking, clenched fists were always a dead give away.

Before, it was you and Yoongi against the world but now it just feels like you against Yoongi. It's natural for friends to drift apart sometimes, you guess, but it was just strange due to the fact you have know each other since you were toddlers. To you, it was strange that why now you were both almost adults, he seemed to grow to resent you.

In the beginning it was just you and Yoongi. A knight and his princess facing the dangerous of what your backyard could give. As both of you grew older, you started to adopt new friends. Since Yoongi was in the grade above you, he made friends with kids his own age and you were fine with that. Since you were in the grade below Yoongi, you made friends with kids your own age and Yoongi was ornery by that. Even though he never shows it, Yoongi was a jealous person. There was nothing wrong with it, you thought, but it was annoying when Yoongi tried to drive poor Jungkook away with his glare. Luckily for you, over time the older male formed a soft spot for him. So as the seasons and birthdays came and went, your little duo turned into a group of eight.

It was the start of high school that all of you banded together to have the friend group you have now. All of you were unique and different in your own little ways, but that's what made you guys work. Or how you guys used to work. It was towards the end of tenth grade when Yoongi started to act off. He still hung out with you guys, but it was rarely you and him now. It was always, "not right now" or "i'm busy" or "I just don't have time" which you knew was bullshit since Yoongi didn't do anything. You just wrote off as him being in a depressed funk so you let him be. After weeks of canceling plans he would make it up to you and act as if everything was normal again. He would welcome hugs, initiate cuddling and talk about how he was feeling. Yoongi would be open again and you dare not say anything in fear you would say something wrong and he would slam down his iron walls on you.

By summer time, it wasn't just Yoongi that was slipping out of your fingertips, but the whole friend group. When the boys would remember to invite you to hang out, you felt as if you were a ghost. Seokjin and Namjoon would be off in their own little world talking about who knows what, Hoseok would be trying (and succeeding) in pulling Yoongi off the couch, and Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook would either be playing mercy games or placing bets. While you just sat in the corner observing either numb or on the verge of crying. Sometimes you would try to leave because you knew when you weren't wanted but one of the boys would catch you and ask where you were going. You were always so tempted to leave but Yoongi's cold stare of "you better not" always reeled you back in. But most times you would walk right out and nobody would notice. You wouldn't even get a text of asking where you went or why you always looked so tired now a days.

Most of the summer was spent of you sobbing in your bedroom, completely alone watching the boys have fun on social media without you. Again. The most frustrating part was you tried so hard to get to the bottom of what was happening, but it was always met with either confused faces or blank stares. Eventually, you just gave up. Letting yourself stew in anxiety and destructive thoughts of what the hell you were going to do when school was only a week away.

Not to your surprise, school wasn't any better. You still sat with them during lunch so deep within your fantasy that everything was okay that you started to believe it. It was normal to be ignored, to be talked over, for your best friend to look at you as if you were gum stuck to his shoe, to almost throw up with anxiety every time you walk into your group of friends. It was normal to feel so alienated by the people you trust the most. During this time, the one plus side was that you learned fend for yourself. You no longer had Yoongi to cradle and hold you through your panic attacks, so you learned how to calm yourself down without literally holding his hand. And within this time you were slowly making a new friend. A very pretty girl that was senior like Yoongi named Irene. She was introverted and had a cold resting face, but when she saw you, a bright grin warmed those cool features. Irene was close to being your light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel but you were scared to admit something was wrong, too scared to open yourself up.