Game Of Thrones... With A Twist

A Game of Thrones - Chapter 13

<The next day, The Sky Cells, The Eyrie, The Mountains of the Moon, The Vale of Arryn...>

"Mord! Mord! Mord! Mord! Mord!" Tyrion called once more, kicking the door to make more noise... just as the door unlocked and in came charging the jailor of the Eyrie, hitting Tyrion with a baton as he yelled, "Noise again!"

Tyrion lay on the floor as he tried to speak, "About the gold..." 

"No gold! No gold." Mord snarled at Tyrion with another whack on the dwarf.

"Listen to me! Listen to me. Sometimes possession... is an abstract concept... " Tyrion attempt at explaining the finer arts of deal making was interrupted as Mord the simpleton hit Tyrion again.

"When they captured me, they took my purse, but the gold is still mine." Tyrion tried to explain. 

"Where?" Mord barked. 

"Where? I don't know where, but when they free me..." "You want free? Go be free." Mord interrupted Tyrion as he pointed to the open ledge of the sky cell.

Tyrion tried once more to get into Mord's thick skull, "Have you ever heard the phrase... 'Rich as a Lannister'?" Tyrion asked the simpleton.

Mord twitched, which was all the reaction Tyrion needed to speak once more, "Of course you have! You're a smart man. You know who the Lannisters are. I am a Lannister. Tyrion, son of Tywin!" 

Seeing that his explanation was working on Mord so far, Tyrion continued, "And of course, you have also heard the phrase, 'A Lannister always pays his debts'. If you deliver a message from me... to Lady Arryn, I will be in your debt." Tyrion stated... however when he noticed Mord not understanding the last bit, Tyrion simplified, "I will owe you gold. If you deliver the message... and I live, which I very much intent to do."

Mord's beady eyes flicked between Tyrion's face and a ring on his finger before asking, "What message?"

Standing to his feet whilst placating Mord, Tyrion spoke, "Tell her I wish to confess my crimes."

<30 minutes later, The High Hall, The Eyrie, The Mountains of the Moon, The Vale of Arryn...>

Catelyn glanced at small Robyn Arryn, the young Lord of the Vale hitting his metal toy upon the weirwood throne of the Arryns as Lysa looked giddy at the prospect of the sky cells breaking a Lannister.

"You wish to confess your crimes?" Asked the somewhat unhinged Lady Arryn of the Vale.

"Yes, my lady. I do, my lady." Tyrion answered respectfully. 

Turning to her sister, Lysa bragged, "Sky cells always break them." 

She then turned imperiously to the Lannister of Casterly Rock and ordered, "Speak, Imp. Meet your gods as an honest man." Catelyn herself was eager to prove that it was Tyrion Lannister that had tried to murder her son, and then reveal the treachery of the Lannisters to the Vale.

"Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I'm a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated... gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but... I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me." Tyrion said, much to the astonishment of the gathered nobles and knights.

"You want specifics, I suppose." Tyrion suggested before he began his 'harrowing' tale. 

"When I was seven, I saw a servant girl... bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her tits bouncing." That was not what the court was expecting.