The 5th Wife - by Maria Love [A Negan fanfic]

Chapter 35

It had been 3 months exactly since the incident at the prison. Negans physical wounds had healed nicely, but his emotional wounds seemed to be getting worse as the weeks went by.
Once the medical team examined his stitches they deemed it safe to remove them, that was over a month ago and I hadn't seen Negan since. He didn't leave his room and wouldn't speak to anyone other than Simon who had practically taken over since Negan had gone into hiding.
I knew exactly why he wasn't showing his face, his words echoed in my mind, "I failed everyone". He was grieving over the loss of victory and couldn't accept defeat. But I knew the only victory Haulani and his people won was coming out of Negans wrath barely alive.
As far as the wives and people of the sanctuary were aware he was in his room recovering, but I knew it was only a matter of time before they find out why he still wouldn't leave his room. I felt utterly helpless, I couldn't count on both hands how many times I attempted to get through to him. It was like he was numb to his surroundings. It rendered me having sleepless nights over it, petrified he would end up doing something stupid. I couldn't speak to anyone about it because I didn't want anyone else to worry.
Whenever one of the wives would ask for an update on his recovery I'd just tell them that his wounds had healed, I didn't have the heart to tell them that I hadn't seen him for a month.
I bounced back from my wicked thoughts, I couldn't dwell on it too much otherwise I'd go insane. I really needed to speak to Negan, actually let me rephrase that, I really needed Negan to speak to me.
I heard a light knock on my door, it was barely audible but I knew I heard it. After getting up to answer it, I opened the door revealing none other than the man himself. I was stunned into silence, the sheer coincidence alone left me speechless let alone seeing Negan for the first time in over four weeks right in front of my eyes.
"Hello darlin'" he said in a frail voice with a weak smile.
Still left speechless by his sudden appearance I gently took his hand and lead him into my room, shutting the door behind him. I reached my hand up and delicately placed it on his cheek, while lightly brushing my thumb on his beard. He leaned his head into my palm, taking comfort in my weightless touch.
"I'm sorry" he whispered, with pain and grief weighing heavily in his eyes. My heart ached for him.
I brought my other hand up and cupped his face looking deep into his eyes, "you have nothing to be sorry for Negan, please stop blaming yourself. Not just for the sake of you but for the sake of us, for the sake of your people. We need the level headed, strong and unbreakable Negan back."
With a sigh he nodded, "I don't know what's wrong with me, my heads just fucked up in a spiral of guilt and shame. I'm so scared. I'm scared that everyone will think I'm not capable of taking care of them. He took you and I just let it happen, I'm scared that you'll get hurt again, and the thought of that kills me. I'm just so scared Alexis" he said as he took a step back and sat on my bed, putting his head in his hands.
This is the first time I had ever seen Negan admit fear, and if I'm honest that scares me a lot. The Negan I knew wasn't afraid of anything, he always had a plan B if things didn't go the way he wanted. But it wasn't fair on him, we all expect him to be strong all the time, the fearless leader that saves the day. But none of us ever considers that Negan is human too. He's so good at acting calm and collected that we forgot that even he could hurt sometimes.
I sat down next to him and and gently removed his hands from his head. His fingers, aggressively gripping his hair, softened at my touch.
"Look at me Negan" I said quietly. His head slowly craned up and his bloodshot watery eyes met mine.

"You've got to stop beating yourself up like this, you had the courage to go to Haulani to defend the sanctuary after what they did to us, you risked your life, nobody expected you to do that but you did anyway. Why should you feel shame for that ? Now I need the Negan I met right at the beginning, the arrogant asshole that wasn't scared of anything.." I said with a warm smile.
"The man that gave me my life back".

He look at me for a few seconds before he slowly started to lean in and kissed me lightly but with passion. My fingers ran through his beard during the intimate moment, while he placed his hand gently on my leg.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I was determined to get the old Negan back, no matter how long it took.