a compilation of short stories

2. mon soleil • you are my sunshine

sonder
/sänder/
noun
1. the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passed on the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.

~~
"let me go, let me go, goddammit," i choked out, struggling against your grip.

"you can't just leave; let me help, please," you pleaded uselessly with me, but i wouldn't have it. your fingernails were still sunken deep in my skin.

i yanked my hand back while screaming incoherent words at you.

"stay...please...?" you sniffled, loosening your hand and staring emptily at the new red fingernail marks and soon-to-be purplish blue bruises.

"no."

i sprinted, faster than i had ever before. i ran away from our shared apartment, tears streaming down my face. i bolted through the front door, and repeatedly smashed the elevator button so the door would close before you could catch up with me.

i heard the door close behind me, and you yelling my name, but i paid that no mind.

i ran faster and faster out of our apartment complex, unaware of the burning sensation in my lungs and aching muscles begging me to slow down. people on the streets must've taken me as a crazy person, sprinting past blocks, paying no attention to stoplights or honking cars.

i made my way up a familiar spiraling set of stairs, taking the steps two at a time.

i had run so fast that i didn't even know where my feet took me, until i stepped on the roof and i realized why my body took over and brought me here.

i recognized it as the place we first met.

you were sitting on the edge, smoking a cigarette, the cold winter air nipping at your bare arms, though you didn't seem to mind the chilly weather. wary, i came towards you and gave you my scarf, since you looked cold.

you looked back at me, a small smile of appreciation on your face. it didn't reach your eyes, though, and i knew that you were someone like me—someone that would hide themselves away from the piercing eyes of the public.

the sweet cigarette smoke slowly melded with the cool air, somehow creating an inviting scent around the two of us; it made up for the tense silence between us.

i looked closer at you, and you smiled a bit when you caught me, then focused back your attention on that cancerous wad of trash.

one thing led to another, and, well, we worked through your addiction together and you stopped smoking.

i smiled a bit at the thought, that you weren't wanting to slowly kill yourself with those things again.

we weren't able to work through my urge to, though.

i stood at the edge of the building we made years of memories in. i took in the cool, crisp air, letting it fill up my lungs, taking my time even though i knew i didn't have it—you were surely somewhere right behind me; you knew me well, almost too well by now.

looking down at the colorful, busy city beneath my feet, i saw people holding umbrellas to shield themselves from the sun. i saw people on the way to work, dressed smartly in blazers and buttoned shirts. i heard the loud honking of cars, along with the yelling and arguing of angry businesspeople through their phones.

i chuckled a bit to myself, the bustling setting reminding me that everyone lives their own life.

that life may be worth living.

i let the thought pass through my mind, not wanting to give it power. i let out a shaky breath as i stepped forward a bit, until my toes were hanging in the air, no longer supported by the roof.

i thought of the life i'd leave behind, the people i'd leave, and the place i'd no longer live in.

and i jumped.

i flew through the air, i felt free, and my tears were cool against my skin as i heard your familiar voice shouting after me, screaming my name.

i could only smile a bit, knowing that i wouldn't have to live through my hell anymore, but sad that i'd leave before you would.

my body hit the cement, and a searing pang of pain shot through me. i didn't notice—or perhaps didn't want to notice—the oozing, pouring waterfall of blood coming from every burning cut and scratch imaginable on my body.

as my pulse thickened and my own breath became the only sound in my ears, i barely made out the sound of someone running towards me, shouting words that sounded vaguely like "paramedics", "911", and "help".

"hey," you said with a tearful smile on your face. "it's okay, it's okay, it'll be alright, i promise, i promise i won't ever leave you."

i could hear you so clearly, but i couldn't muster up the strength to reply back. i slowly, weakly, raised my hand a bit, attempting something for the last time.

"hey, what is it, sweetheart? it's okay, i'm here, okay?" you seemed to try and convince yourself more than me, through suffocating sobs and hot tears.

i reached my hand higher, placing a cold, shaky bloodied palm on your warm cheek. you reached with your hand, holding my own, squeezing it a bit, as if to say the words that you couldn't.

"i...i-i love...you...okay?" i barely managed to get the painful words out.

"don't...worry...a-about...me..." i continued, trailing off and too exhausted to say the millions of words i wanted to in the moment.

i could hear the faint shriek of the paramedics in the background, while you held my bloody hand, still, and more tears than ever were streaming down your face and into my lap.

"they're coming, okay? they-they're coming to help...help you an-and you'll be okay."

i slowly nodded, the pain of the action shooting more sharp needles into my body.

"you are my sunshine..." you sang to me shakily with tears in your eyes and a bitter smile.

i weakly smiled to myself because you never sang. you always said you would sound like a dying goat when you did.

i smiled a bit, remembering your persistent voice, insisting that you couldn't sing.

but then, right then, the most beautiful thing i had ever heard—your tender, soft voice—flowed through my ears and through my body, calming my soul.

"m-my—" you were cut off by your own violent sob, suddenly crying without holding back.

i frailly squeezed your hand a bit, letting you know that it was okay.

you recollected yourself and continued, wiping roughly at the tears, almost angrily, and sang more steadily this time, "my o-only sunshine..."

"you make me h-happy...when sk-skies are gray...you'll never know, d-dear, h-how much i l-love you..."

you were once again cut off, this time by the hurried blare of paramedic sirens.

as they hoisted me onto the stretcher, and you following right behind them—although they annoyedly requested you to not come along—and you kept singing.

"pl-please don't..."

i squeezed your hand as firmly as i could.

"don't take m-my sunshine away..." we finished together, tears still streaming down your face, your back heaving with every pained sob, and my voice breathing out its last words with all the strength in my lungs.

hearing your voice, hearing your beautiful voice for the last time, i felt my heartbeat slowing down, and my body shutting itself off after its painful life.

and i closed my eyes for the last time with a weak teary smile.

~~
INSPIRATION:
tumblr: "Person A singing 'You Are My Sunshine' as Person B slowly dies in their arms, and Person B is singing with Person A to comfort them as life slowly drains from their eyes." [lightly edited for clarification]