Harrison Osterfield One Shots and Imagines

Hard to love

warning: mention of depression. don't read if it is a trigger for you.

It wasn't easy. There were days you were perfectly happy. There were days you'd feel invincible, like you could take on anything life threw at you. There were days you'll wake up in the morning and feel nothing but love and pride for your own self. But those days scared you. Because you knew that just like a sunny sky, these days never last. There were also days when you felt like nothing matters, like you don't matter. You imagined that world will be a better place without you in it. Those were the bad days for you. They weighed on you, bringing you down.

You were having one of those bad days today. Nothing had gone right. You were late to office; you spilled your coffee, your best friend bailed on your plans for lunch. All you wanted to do was to go home and get to sleep, eager to get this day over with. Coming home you saw the lights already on in the living room, which only meant your room mate, Harrison was home. He had been away for quite some time, busy with filming. It's been only 4 months since you guys started to share an apartment, and he clearly didn't know about your bad days. Determined to keep it that way, you put a smile on your face and entered the living room, instantly being enveloped in a warm hug.

"Hello darling, how have you been?" you laugh at his cheeky greeting. He always had a way to make you laugh and smile. You missed him when he was gone. But now that he was here, all you could think about is if he will ever miss you if you were gone.

"Haz, how was Paris?"

"Ah, same old you know." He let go of you. Looking at your face he instantly knew something was wrong. But he also knew you wouldn't tell him. That is how you were, never telling anyone anything, never wanting to bother anyone. So he never forced you. But he realized that something was extremely wrong today. Your fake smile seemed extra fake, and it seemed like you were about to burst into tears any moment. "Well, now that I'm home how about we order pizza and watch movies?"

You wanted to, you really did. But the self destructive part of your brain told you not to, so you replied "I don't actually feel that good today. You don't mind if I just go to bed right?"

"No it's fine. Are you alright though?" concern coloured his voice. You assure him that everything is fine and went up to your room. Quickly changing into comfortable clothing, you braced yourself for the night. It was worse time of the day for you when the bad days came. It was just hours and hours of negative thoughts that you had to fight, some days feeling so weak and tired that you didn't even see the point. But you fought, always. Not because you wanted to live, but because you were afraid to die.

And soon it started, slowly and surely, the thoughts started to creep in. Today everything seemed to be revolving around your fear of being unloved all your life. You kept analyzing every relationship you had with everyone in your life and every time kept reaching to the conclusion that no one really loved you. This kept happening. All you could think about was how you'll probably be alone for the rest of your life. All the while you didn't realize that you had started to cry louder, only realizing it when you hear the door open and hear Harrison coming in, holding you and telling you that it'll be alright that it'll be fine. Lies, you thought, all of them are lies. You pulled yourself free from him, yelling how it will never be okay

"It'll be fine, just look at me, it'll be alright."

"No it won't, it never is. And you'll never understand." You sob, "When was the last time you felt loved, Harrison? Because I can't remember the last time I felt like someone loved me. I don't remember. I don't feel like anyone can love me, i don't feel like I can make anyone love me. I am just me, why'll anyone ever love me?"

Harrison didn't know how to explain it all to you. "Listen to me," he held your face in his hands, "the last time I felt loved is when you baked that cake for me on my birthday, remember that? You didn't know how to bake anything, hell, you don't even know how to cook, but you risked burning down the house just so you could do that for me, when you took care of me when I was sick, that's when I felt loved. When you laugh at my jokes that is when I feel loved." He sighs, "And I don't know other people. But you make me love you just by being yourself. The good, the bad the everything. You make me love you with everything you do. And that is a fact. And no matter what anyone says, what your mind tells you, it is a fact. And facts don't change. At least not this one"

His words had calmed you down enough to actually understand what he was saying. He had said that he loved you, something you wanted to hear for a long time. "How can you love me if I'm so fucked in my mind?"

"I don't care, I'm here for you, and I love you. "

Even though the whispers were still there, they started to thin out. You knew that for now, the day was over. You knew that it'll come back, and when it did, all you'll have to remember is that you are loved. No matter what, there will always be people in this world who'll love you.