And all these years

Venting

Sorry but just need to get this off my chest.

T/w for some.

Since everything's been going on I haven't been able to breathe. You know it's this weight on my chest and no matter what I do for it, it never seems so lessen. It's absolutely insane. I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about him and what transpired. But the more I try not to the more I'm effected. The more I have to live with the fact that my friend could do something like this to me. We were friends for over a fucking year! It's crazy that I'm expected to just let this go and live my life like nothing ever happened. But in all honesty I just can't. Just the thought of another persons hands on my body makes me sick to my stomach. And I thought yesterday was an okay day and maybe I could just you know move on but I can't. And I know that I can't. I want my skin to come off. I can't clean myself hard enough to erase his fingerprints on my own body. He did this to me not the other way around. And I hate that this is happening again. Like I can't deal with all this shit right now. Every second of every day just gets harder and harder for me. But he's everyone's friend and I'm just supposed to move on from this and just live my life right? How can I? I work with him. I work with people who'll always have his back. I can't get away even if I tried. Which just makes me feel that the easiest way out of this would be for me to just end everything that way I don't have to end anyone's lives anymore. So that they don't look at me with contempt. Suicide is just the easiest option. I wouldn't have to hate myself anymore. I could be free from everyone and everything surrounding me. I'd be free from all the Damage I had to endure for 18 fucking years of my pathetic life. I'd be over with. But I'd finally be free you know? After so long I'd finally be able to breathe again.

Im sorry again just needed to just breathe in my own way.