What Happened To Us?

Bye Bye

You know when people say they had the best sleep of their life? Yeah that didn't happen, it never does. I spent the night stressing about everything that's going on. Ugh. Why do I have to leave? I'm so content with how my life is right now. What happened to being in control, cause this is definitely not control and that makes me very frusterated. Oh well anyways this morning I finally got up to go to the bathroom so I can weigh myself and guess what? No fucking scale. "MUM?"

"Yes?"

"Where is my scale? I need it!"

"I'm sorry dear but I'm afraid you can't have it, it's not healthy"

"I don't care if it's not healthy I need my scale it's really important!"

"No Bella! Your health is important and as of right now you are not helping yourself so I'm not going to enable you any longer you need to face the music and start getting help!"

"Just because you want something doesn't mean it's going to happen!" I manage to get out as I run down the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Mums head pokes from the litchen.

"I'm running to get some coffee! Be back in a few!"

"Good for you sweetie" mums crows feet are visible so I know the smile is real. I feel faintly bad for lieing but I really just needed to see how much I weighed and it wasn't going to happen from here.

As soon as I get to the store I walk around for ten minutes and buy a vanilla frapachino before walking to the scale. Nervously I step on to it praying it turns out well.

BEEP BEEP BEEP.

well fuck me, my fatass broke it! Great. I close my eyes preparing for the worst. Slowly I open them...

you have to be kidding me. I'm such a failure. Before I can cry I dump 3/4 of my drink in the trash and run home so I can hate myself in private. 90.0 Lbs.... I should have lost more. That's just depressing. It was probably the damn pasta mum made me eat.

Today is the day I have to leave with Harry. I tried discussing it with mum. But she just wouldn't listen she just kept saying "I need my baby girl back" what the hell was that supposed to mean? I'm right here. I've always been here.

Finally I make it upstairs into my bedroom still slightly aggravated. I decide I've held it off for long enough. It's time to pack. What do I even take? "MUM! What do I need to pack?"

"bells you should just bring jeans and dresses! Oh maybe some skirts and nice shirts too!"

Well that's so helpful it's only my entire wardrobe. I have to bring long sleeves and jeans great it's not going to be winter everywhere we go. I'm going to die from the heat, well at least I'll be dead.

I ended up throwing a bunch of different clothes into one giant suitcase. I pause in front of my bathroom door. Turning towards the wall I take out one of the broken tiles and bring out a bottle of pills with a razor taped to the top. Gently I take the razor off and exam it. Without thinking I lift my shirt and drag it across my rib cage, "fuck" I manage out. the pain is worse than the others I look in the mirror and suck my stomach in. blood starts becoming less and less on the one deep cut I made. you can see every single one of my ribs and there are even little indentions between them all. Happily I decide one cut is all for today. Quickly I tape the razor back to the top of the pill bottle. This bottle is special. It's the bottle I plan to overdose on at the right time. the exact same medication my great grandmother Bella killed herself with, it's only fate. I put the pills in the bottom of my suitcase hoping they don't rattle during our travels. I close the suitcase and start my walk downstairs to mum. she's waiting for me at the bottom of the hallway, tears in her eyes. "Mum you know I don't have to go" I start "Darling I just want you better and this is the only way." I quickly high her not wanting to let go. She's the only reason I'm still alive today. she helped me so much and I never really thanked her. "I'm going to miss you so much mumma" "baby I am too. mumma loves you so much, you are so loved." I don't respond. we hear a knock at the door but we don't separate. whoever it was let themselves in and started talking "Are. You ready?"