You?

Ecstasy

Tuesday. xxvii. xi. mmxviii

Honey, what is it that you want. Your mouth might have said some things. But your eyes, it also says things. Things that are so different than your mouth ever uttered. Your whiskey brown eyes bored into my mahogany ones, trying to let me on a little secret. The twist is that, I never get it. The secret. The little things you try to give me through your beautiful orbs. I get lost in your exquisite eyes. And honestly, I am not so sure if I want to find a way out.

I still look at our old texts. The way you told me how beautiful I looked in that dress. The way you said how I was meant to be yours. It was magical. When your eyes twinkled the moment they met with mine, my heart went to a state of pure ecstasy. The way we always communicated through our eyes, always sent shivers down my spine. The way you'd look at me and quirk your luscious lips, always threw me off guard, leaving me in a flustered state, rooted to the ground. These thoughts about us together leaves me on a fragile state, constricting my throat, preventing me from breathing, slowly killing me from inside.

I have fallen deep, Alec. And I can't even hide it. I can't deny the fact that you always manage to bring out the crimson tint on my face every time you pass by. But now I can't even go to your locker and seek comfort in the smell of your hoodie. I can't go and finish your half eaten bar of chocolate. I can't fall asleep without that familiar smell of you engulfing me into a tight hug. I can't go a single day without thinking how things would've been if you hadn't done this to us. I miss the way you bite my lips. I miss the way you flicked my nose with your finger and smiled before you left. I miss you.

You can't just make me fall for you and leave me stranded in the sidewalks like I was just another piece of meat that you had to fuck with. You can't just let your pretty mouth say things to me and later say sorry for how we didn't work out. How can I make you realize that I am not innocent or naive. How can I make you realize that I need you. How can I make you realize that I am waiting. I just want you and your arms around me. 

But I'm trying. Trying to move on. Trying to get you off my mind. Trying to forget how your lips felt against mine. Trying to forget the feel of your hand. Trying to forget the way your heart hammered against your chest after each of your football games. But I'm failing miserably because I can still feel your arms around me. I can still feel your coarse hands locked in my delicate ones. What I can't feel are your tender kisses. Because they have blown away. Away from my reach.

You literally squished my heart, pumping all the blood out of it, breaking it into mere shards of glass for disposal. My heart has been shattered so terribly that it can't even be seen through a microscope. It has almost reached to a point of no return. But I'm holding those shattered pieces together, hoping that one day you'll come back and tape all those parts together to make me whole again.

Alec, I gave my all to you, and you know that. I took out my heart out of my body with my bare hands and handed it to you. I have your touch memorized. I still feel your hands in my back like you hugged me a minute ago. Your voice calling my name still rings in my ears. And now I am fighting a losing battle. A battle between my heart and my mind. Baby, you are the moon and I'm just another twinkling star in that colossal night sky. Honey, it's up to you to choose. You chose me once and you let go of me too.

But the question is would you choose me again?

Or would it be someone else this time round?

Because I'm tired of hoping. The thin strand of hope that I have grasped is slowly escaping my fingers. And I am terrified of that one thought that has been lingering.

Was I in love with you?

Or was I in love with the thought of us together.