You?

Forget

Sunday. xvii. i. mmxix

I thought I'd forget about you. I thought the thought of you will leave my soul the minute you left. But it didn't. I still think about you. I still think about the little things we shared. I still remember your weird obsession with Roald Dahl books.I still remember the way your minty breath fanned across my face. I still remember the way you goofily danced in the hallways. It keeps eating me from inside. I thought when the smell of roses filled my nose, I'd think about the bees and the green pastures. But I don't. I think about you. I think about what we could be. I think about the smiles you brought to my face. 

Now you've moved on. I heard you now have another girl with you. I heard that you like her a lot and that she is all you could ever ask for. But I also once had heard that you loved me and that you found me pretty. You thought I looked like a gorgeous flawless model. Turns out those weren't true, were they? Did you mean anything you said? Did you actually like me? Did you ever think of me more than as a piece of meat you had to win over? Did I get played? Because it was a year, Alec. A year is no short time. A year meant more to me than the last 17 years of existence ever had. I thought you would be different. I thought you'd be the one who'd stick. But I guess I was wrong. 

Yesterday, I realized that no one, absolutely no one, can fill the empty spaces you left behind. The only person who can fill them is you. A glimpse of you fills those void spaces little by little. I still fill myself with alcohol each evening to forget about you, to forget about the words you said that tore my heart into tiny pieces. No matter how much I try, I can't help it. I can't help feeling butterflies in my stomach each time you pass by. I can't help turning around to take in all of you one more time. No matter how much I try to tape those shredded pieces together, I just can't.

You made me fall for you. And once I was in the cold hard floor, cracked and dependent on you, you just moved. You moved and let my heart break into small pieces like shards of glass. But that wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to take a bat and repeatedly bash me with it, until the glass shards were inside my blue-black body. And when I finally have picked the shards off my body and placed it all together, you looked at me like you used to before. Right at that time I glued all the pieces together. Just when I was about to stand up, you push me back to the ground and ruin all the effort I put into to glue the pieces together. Now I have all the pieces gathered. But I can't stand up, no matter how hard I try. 

But I know that one day someone will not leave my side even if I push him away. Somebody will not take me out on a fancy restaurant just to please me. Instead he will make a tiny fort where we will stay together and watch Netflix. Somebody will love every fibre in my body. Somebody will love my soul. Somebody will love my crazy obsession with Grey's Anatomy and listen to all the gory details I share. Somebody will stick by me even if I am innocent and naive. Somebody who will willingly spend his entire life with me. Somebody will shower me with kisses and mean every one of it. Somebody I will love till the end of time. Somebody I will be willing to give my life for.

But the question is will it be you?

Or is it that I want it to be you?

Or do I need it to be you?

Because I just realized that I was in love with you.

And what makes me shiver is what if I'm still in love with you?