Pain and Paradox [BXB]

Chapter 2: A Hard Night's Sleep

AUTHOR(s) Notes:

- Update (11/26/2018)

"Dad, you need to understand love isn't a choice. I don't wanna be like this. Ever since I've realized that I'm gay I've wished so many times I could be straight. I can't change the way I love, you have to understand that?" I desperately tried to explain to my father, but his recalcitrant attitude refused to budge.

"I raised you as a Son of God, you shouldn't have let the devil get in your life. Do you even pray every night? Are you even loyal to God? Have 17 years of me raising you gone down the drain?!" He berated me. His voice was coarse, and it wasn't a nice voice. He gave me that dad look that terrifies every kid.

"God's word is bullshit! You really think that loving a man is wrong? I didn't choose this way of life! I never did! I was born like this! You made me like this, and you're gonna have to accept the fact I'm gay because I'm sure that's never gonna change. Why can you just accept me for who I am?"

"Because you're a damned faggot! Do you think I wanna see my son go to the gates of hell? I don't want you to burn in the afterlife for eternity! This is for you! You should be damn grateful that I'm even doing this for you! You're lucky I didn't kick you out like Murphy."

"A damned faggot you say? Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm gonna go to hell dad! Screw what the fuck God says. The world is changing and his rules need to fucking change as well? You can't keep doing this to me. You can't oust me just because I love someone different than what you want! Just because you don't want me to end up like this doesn't mean I have to listen to you. You don't need to freaking dictate who I can love and who I can't. It's my choice!"

"It's your choice? All right then. Here's my choice. We're sending you to a conversion camp to go fix your crooked way of thinking. And you're not gonna do anything about it."

"Are you kidding me?! Are you out of your goddamn mind? You really think that sending me to some camp is gonna help my situation? You're only gonna make me feel worse. I'm gonna feel like some piece of shit that didn't deserve to live. How could you do this to me? I thought you are a Man of God, supposed to forgive, give mercy, and love everyone. Where are those ideals right now? When mom aborted your first child, did you do anything? No, you just let her! Despite the Bible stating that killing a baby is murder! And you dare to call me a damned faggot? This is unbelievable, and coming from you, the pastor of this town! I admired you dad, look at where that is now."

"Sure, the gender you love isn't your choice, but the way you act on it is a sin! A sin! Do you hear me young man? A sin! A freaking sin! And that is exactly what you are! You freaking kissed a guy, do you understa-"

"Oh pity me, don't put stupid words in my mouth today dad! Sure I'm a sinner but that doesn't give you the right to vex me about it! You don't get the right to tell me how to love anymore! You're not acting like my dad anymore, you're just some Christian yelling at me? I want my father, I want the person who would support me through every decision despite his beliefs. I'm sick of this!"

That fight left me like shit the following 5 days. I didn't bother going to school. I'd just get question and bullied. I laid in bed the entire time, hopeless. The life was leached out of me, I didn't wanna eat, I didn't want anything to do with this town at all. My eyes developed bags, my stomach growled, I felt weak. I felt so weak. J.R. walked into the room.

"I'm not here because I feel pity or sorry for you. I'm here because dad sent me. He wanted me to tell you something." He rolled his eyes, then resting himself on my bed.

"What is it?" I paused. Emotions had overrun my mind, the sound of pain and melancholy clearly showed through my voice. It cracked, it was hoarse, and every few seconds I found myself pausing, trying to regain control over myself. "If he-" I paused again, my emotions kept trying to scream out. I took a deep sigh. "If he dares even," taking a deep sigh, "even try to apologize, tell him I'm not sorry and that I'm not forgiving him." I turned away.

"That's not what he was going to tell you. He wanted me to tell you that the whole town really thinks you should go to the camp. It's not that bad. Remember Eric Williamson? He went to the same camp and he's pretty much really straight. He even told me that the camp isn't actually that bad. The people are chill." Jeremiah continued to fidget with his fingers, giving a slight laugh at the end of his sentence.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "You just don't understand Jeremiah, I didn't' choose this way of life." I gave a loud sigh at the end. He walked away.

What if going to this camp could really help me? Maybe this would solve all of my problems and everyone wouldn't give a shit about it anymore. It's worth a try, right? I mean sure, I'm not really confident about this camp, but it's a shot at being normal again...right? I think I'm gonna do it. I need this for myself. Maybe I could fix everything before I intertwined with anyone else.

I couldn't sleep. It was just so hard to sleep, especially when my mom and dad were arguing downstairs. I didn't wanna cause anyone pain. I didn't intend for any of this to happen. I don't want any of this. I want everyone to just be happy, and if it costed my personality and character, so be it. I felt so unhappy with myself. Was I really going to do this to myself? Was I really going to cost my own well being just to please everyone? I know I'm not like this, I know I'm not like this. I know this isn't the way Joshua Brown would act, so why was I?

I stayed up the entire night-just thinking. And shit, my heart melted at the thought of Matthew Campbell. He's not that intelligent, but fucking shit dude, he got stupid hot in junior year. He was a really hot stud. God, my eyes, my heart, my entire body would feel like collapsing when I was near him.

"Duuuude," he ran up from behind me, giving me a slight punch in the shoulder.

"What is this time Mate?" I turned around, facing him square.

"You know Katy Grimes, bro? Shit, I pounded her hard last night, she was wet as the ocean! I made her scream like the bitch she is!" He raised his hands up to his head, closed fists. "Wooosh," he exclaimed, his hands opening and head wiggling. He laughed, smirking at me in the process.

"Damn, you get all the girls man." I laughed pushing him into the locker. I smiled, shaking his hand. We continued to walk through the school hallway, catching up with the rest of the team.

I would be missing this, a lot. It hurt to think that he'd probably badger me the day I come back from school. God, he's so freakin' hot, too hot. I wish that he wasn't straight, I just wish that so bad. I deserve to find a love in my life, and I want it with him, I want it so bad with him, but I just can't. Sometimes you just don't get what you want, and that's bullshit. Having worked so hard for everything in your life, just waiting for a break, and then realizing you aren't getting it. How is it fair? There are kids, adults, everyone across the spectrum that are suffering all across the world, and we're supposed to believe that God can just swoop in and fix everything? He promotes peace, patience, love, and all that good stuff, but the world he created isn't a nice thing. There is so much pain and suffering and he isn't doing anything about it. I'm losing my faith. I'm losing it.