Lost Coast

Chapter

Maybe it's just selfishness. Maybe I don't anything to change because I don't want anyone to stop loving me. My brother is getting married. The older one who went to the air force. It's kind of a scary thought for me.

I have always wanted a sister. My mom couldn't have any more kids after me or else it could've been bad for her. I had an older sister I guess you could say. She was a premature birth and there was nothing anyone could do to save her. After her, my mother thought she was never going to have another child let alone a girl. She became depressed and her entire persona changed when she got pregnant with me. I feel like I've taken up a lot of those traits.

I was a healthy baby. Twenty-two inches long and nearly ten pounds.

When my brother gets married, I will... I will... have an older sister. We're not that much different, in fact. But it still hurts. It hurts so much. I didn't even know my real older sister, but it still feels like they're trying to replace her.

I'm selfish. I didn't want my mom to like her or my brother to marry her for the longest time because I feared that if they loved her then they wouldn't need me. I'm a miracle child to my parents but I feel more like a monster. I feel like a gremlin that preys on human emotion and if I don't get enough attention then I'll die.

I never shared any of my toys with the other kids at daycare. I would scream when someone told me no. I was possessive of my own older brothers, no matter how much they pissed me off sometimes. I didn't want them to have other kids over because I'd get shoved into the other room.

I tried. I tried so hard to make her like me--my new older sister. I think it worked too well. The moment I felt threatened that I wasn't the favorite daughter anymore, I became bitter.

I can't remember exactly what I wanted but I called out to my mom and she was with Jess. My heart just broke as I watched them walk past me as if I was a bug about to be crushed under a boot. I could try again but it would be pointless. No one heard me even though I was almost yelling. It's pathetic how jealous I got.

It's not all the money that my mom spent on her or the fact that my brother was ready to be disowned just to be with her. I think that it was the fact that I felt like an old doll being thrown away because I wasn't as skinny or as pretty as her. They love her so much and I'm just a selfish brat. There was a time when my mom and I would go around looking at makeup for fun. My brother and I would go to the movies and laugh together. He used to talk to me about story ideas.

And then it turns out that I'm hard to talk to and unapproachable.

I wish there was a better way to describe it rather than just being tossed aside for the new and improved daughter.