The Acceptance

Chapter 7: A Secret Relationship

"What are we?" I asked, the rush from our first kiss still lingering in my system, encouraging me enough to speak without over thinking things and hesitating.

"Whatever you would like us to be. I think you know how I feel and I think I have pushed this along as far as I can. Now... it's up to you to. We can be friends if that's what you want or we could be mo- "

My lips crashed into yours, preventing you from finishing your sentence. How could you possibly think that I just wanted to be friends? We continued to kiss for I don't know how long, my heart rejoiced as you reciprocated the love I had been harboring for what seemed an eternity. Eventually we parted, flushed and breathing heavily. As our breathing returned to normal, reality came crashing down on us. We were now in a relationship.

A relationship that promised to be as fulfilling as it was complex. We were not in a cookie cutter situation, it was not as easy as 'boy gets girl, and they lived happily ever after'. For one there was no boy in our equation, this in itself would lead to a myriad of problems and issues to be considered. I was not 'out', so to speak, and I was not prepared to change that.

We both knew at that point that we had a lot to discuss and sort out.

The reality of the situation was, in my mind at least, that we simply couldn't be together. It wouldn't be fair to you. I was so far in the closet that I played marbles with the moth balls and I couldn't expect you to be someone that you had stopped being so long ago. I couldn't ask that of you. I understood all too well the misery that would result and I loved you too much to put you through that.

I don't know how long I sat there, on my, bed beside you, contemplating how I would end what we hadn't yet begun. You sat and watched me, knowing full well what was racing through my mind, and gave me time before you put an end to the tumultuous thoughts and doubts clouding my senses.

"Stop! Just stop. Tell me what you think. Stop shutting me out and keeping it all in. That won't get us anywhere. Just tell me." You were pleading with me, and so I told you. I told you exactly what I thought, how I felt that it would be unfair to you and that we shouldn't pursue this, shouldn't pursue us.

"What crap! If you are afraid of this, then fine, say that you're scared. But don't you dare hide behind some bullshit about what is or isn't fair on me without even talking to me!" Your anger practically dripped off every word as you spoke. I had never seen you like this, and I was torn between a sense fear and a spark of arousal that flared at your dominant behavior.

"You know what wouldn't be fair? To have to see you everyday knowing full well that you want me just as I want you and not being able to touch you, or kiss you, or tell you how much I love you!" You exclaimed in frustration. Pain flashed across your face and I realized that it would not be easy for us regardless of us being together or apart.

"How would we make it work? I'm not ready to be open about this. Can you deal with that?" I asked softly, afraid of breaking the silence and a little wary of re-igniting your anger. I understood your point of view, believe me, I wanted nothing more than to shout our love from the roof tops, but I couldn't. I was terrified.

I was afraid of being judged and left to live in social exile. The irony is that I knew that I was what I feared. I judged myself disproportionately to everyone else, setting almost unattainable standards for myself so that when I failed I could justify my self-loathing. I already lived a fairly solitary life, fed by my social awkwardness and debilitating shyness, so what did I have to fear?

Silence fell upon us, and my question hung in the air. It felt like the blade of a guillotine hanging precariously above us, ready to fall and sever any connection between us in an instant.

I don't know whether you were unsure of how to answer or if you were simply taking a moment to regain your composure, but every second that passed felt like an eternity as I waited.

"Well... my friends already know... kind of, and we have already established ourselves as very close friends at work. Maybe we could use that as our cover, so to speak. I mean it's not like either one of us is going to want to go at it like horny teenagers in public, is it?

We can keep up appearances as best of friends in public, and be lovers in private. It's not ideal, but we can still go out as a couple with my friends and eventually you might feel comfortable enough to tell others... maybe?"

And with that it was agreed. We would be a secret.