The Acceptance

Chapter 8: Limits

At first, it was exciting and every clandestine tryst was more passionate than the last. I often imagined us to be a modern version of Romeo and Juliet, star struck lovers kept apart by circumstance, only we wouldn't be stupid enough to end ourselves as they had. With time however, the fear of being caught became less arousing and more of a hindrance. It started weighing on me and the constant paranoia was exhausting.

So I changed. I began with more suggestions of nights in, rather than nights out, until it got to the point that we had become secluded, insulated in our own little world. I don't believe I was doing it intentionally, but I was allowing my subconscious fears dictate our behavior as a couple. I see that now, you, on the other hand, caught onto what was happening almost immediately and never failed to tell me so.

We fought about it almost as passionately as we loved, but we never let a day end with anything but adoration between us. It was one of my favorite qualities about you. You had this astounding ability to forgive and to continue forgiving, unlike myself.

Often you would have to alleviate a situation that was clearly my fault, but you still approached me in reconciliation. I now see that I owe you a million apologies for my behavior. I was wrong, but I didn't know any other way.

Our relationship continued like that for months. It was continually strained by my inability to come to terms with my sexuality and just be honest with who I was. It didn't help that you were constantly urging me to bring us out into the open.

I felt as though I was being pressured into something that I wasn't ready for. I wasn't being pressured and I knew how divinely patient your kind heart was being with me, a lesser person would have left me, but you stayed.

Your immense compassion just filled me with guilt as I let you down again and again. So I channel that guilt into anger and scorn and picked fights for no reason other than to make you feel as unhappy as I was. Please don't misunderstand me, you loved me and that made me happier than I can convey in words, but I was unhappy with myself and I took that out on you.

I tested your magnanimity over and over again, until, much to my regret, I found its limits.