The Acceptance

Chapter 9: Break-ups

At first glance, that day was like any other. We went to work together; your car was being serviced, so I picked you up on my way. We had lunch in the same cafe, in the same corner, at the same table as was dictated by tradition.

As the work day came to an end, we left together and upon my suggestion we hung out at my place until your car was ready to be picked up. As I recall, the entire day was quiet and unassuming. Pity it didn't end that way.

We sat on the couch, holding each other as we watched some afternoon game show. Your body heat seeped into me relieving the day's tension, and I eased into you, tucking myself further into your side.

As I snuggled into you I couldn't help myself. I had to ruin the moment. I can't even explain why. I baited you by saying that things couldn't be any better.

I knew how you would respond, you had responded the same way many times before. I still did it though, knowing full well that it wouldn't end well.

"Yes, it could. You know that."

You spoke those words calmly, not even glancing in my direction. You were unaware of what was to come. I pulled myself from your grasp and began my tirade. I shouted at you that I had had enough of your constant badgering, that I needed time and that you needed to lay-off and stop pushing. I was such a fool, a self-destructive, masochistic fool.

The look in your eyes as you took in my abuse told me that I had finally pushed things too far. You calmly took what I had to dish out, waiting for me to finish before speaking. Your voice was eerily calm and even as you spoke and I felt my heart drop as I heard your words.

"You're right. You need time. But you know what, I haven't any time left to give you. I have had enough of this. I love you but all we do is fight. When we started this," you gestured between us, "when we started us, I thought you loved me enough to feel comfortable. I thought that I could love enough that you would feel safe with me, safe enough that you would be able to be yourself with everyone else. I was wrong, and I can't do this anymore."

I was stunned. I gaped at you like a fish out of water until the initial shock wore off and then I asked for your forgiveness.

I beseeches you to reconsider and begged you not to leave me. I knew that I needed you. You were it for me. You were the one; I just didn't know how to be happy. I think you knew that and you couldn't endure my self-destruction any longer. Y

ou couldn't keep fixing me. As you left you told me to work on me, because until I was whole I wouldn't be strong enough to hold us together.

I would love to be able to tell you that I took your words and used them constructively. I would love to be able to say I went away from that day and bettered myself. I am ashamed to say I didn't. I broke. I wallowed in self-pity and hatred and locked myself away.

I buried myself with work, so I didn't have to face lunch without you and hid in myself away from the world so that I wouldn't have to face the memory of you everywhere I went. I became such a recluse that my family eventually held an intervention.