120 on the highway (Part 1)

Finding yourself

My name is Noah. I'm an awful human being. I deserve to die. That's why I'm here now. That's why I'm driving in 120 miles per hour on an empty highway. Always going faster. Soon I'll be turning in somewhere suiting. So all this finally comes to an end. This suffering that's called my life. It's chaos, that's what it is. I really need to hurry now, or the police will come. Then I'll be stopped and I can't let that happen. Not now, I need to do it now. I've made up my mind.

My name is Noah and this is the day I'll die.

Everything began when I was thirteen years old and had my first girlfriend. Well, technichally it had really begun when I was born, I've always been this way. But that was when I first took notice. Anyway, her name was Julianna. Ugly name for an ugly girl. She was overveight and wore glasses and she already had spots, and not just a few, like tons of spots everywhere, and with that I mean everywhere. We were both being bullied back then and she was the first person I ever had.

Well, not really, I did have Stew, a short guy in my class that was my best friend because neither of us had anyone alse. Stew was always a bit late, he still liked playing with legos and building treehouses while I wanted to do what all the cool guys did. Smoke, read porn magazines, peeking at nude girls and all that crap. I did too, but it didn't feel right doing things without Stew because he always got so grumpy and jealous when I were with anyone alse. Besides, I actually don't think his real name was Stew. At least I hope not, that would have been weird.

But, back to Juliana. Things went wrong already with our first kiss, it was really awkard since it was the first for both of us and we were really bad at it – I'm not kidding, it was probably like getting licked on by a dog, I'm embarassed – but I still thought I would be feeling ”things”, you know, like all the cool guys described it. But I just felt awkward and wrong and clumsy and quite disgusted, I didn't like kissing her, I didn't even like looking at her.

I thought it would pass, because, well, I don't know; things pass. And when it didn't, I avoided her. I didn't want to spend time with my own girlfriend. Soon she was just as pissed as Stew and my mom got sad because I didn't have any friends anymore. And I truly hated that she called Juliana my friend.

Then I started thinking that it was because she was ugly, I mean, no other guy liked her, so why would I just because I was her boyfriend? Anyways, I broke up with her after a few months. And that anger, as she screamed!

That's when things turned for me. My bad skin got better and I wasn't being pulled down by some ugly chick anymore. Looking pretty handsome (if i may say it myself) and being kinda rich, I directly got placed in the cool gang when I started high school. But I didn't fit in. I didn't enjoy looking at naked girls like they did, I didn't like doing forbidden things because I imagined dad behind every corner. I laughed like them but I was terrified, I thought I was doing life wrong, or that no one really liked it but just pretended to fit in. Or that maybe I was just a little late like Stew, and I would come to enjoy it soon enough. Enjoy girls. My theory about Juliana being ugly fell like a house of cards, because for the next two years I had lots of girlfriends (really many) and they were all hot enough to make guys catch their breath. But not me, never me. I didn't catch my breath. At age fifteen, I realised something was wrong with me. I just didn't know what, or why.

I lost my virginity when I was sixteen years old. Her name was Stephanie and it was the first time for her too. It was just the small problem that I didn't feel anything. Anything. She wanted to do it again just the next day, so I broke it off with her after a week. Because then, I had finally realised what was wrong with me. I was in love with someone else.

When I saw that someone I felt things I never felt for any of my girlfriend, not Juliana, not Dina, not Freckles Red hair, not Stephanie. I was in love for the first time. It was a rollercoaster of emotions that scared me. It was wrong, so wrong. But still, it happened.