Memoirs of A Gillian

Apparently I am a Girl on Fire!!!

5th November 2012 8.48am...... Monday morning

Yesterday I spent the whole day alone. I hate being alone.

It was a day of epiphanies. My whole life has been guided by men as was my mother's. Who after five children from five different men is alone and lonely today... Well I kinda think she's lonely anyway. She was forever searching for a husband and my father, the last man she got a child for, was a whore. He was abusive and cheating. I have a million half brothers and sisters... even in Trinidad.

My mother thought me that to be a success with her she only wanted two things from me. For me to be a wife and to work in a bank. She made sure I was well educated. I was engaged by 21 with a baby, a daughter of my own, sidetracked by heartbreak and another man telling me how beautiful I was, from my studies.

The banking job came when my child was 3yrs old and I about 25. I was the perfect housewife right before that. Barefoot and pregnant. I took his infidelity - the only one I ever knew of - like a fucking woman!

Until his outside woman disrespected me. I took up my then 7 month old baby and I sat in her workplace, along with my big sister, my niece and an old school friend. Women looking for vengeance. Not against the man, the primary wrong doer, but against the woman. I wasn't so crazy in love (insert Beyonce Shake) with him that I was willing and ready to commit murder (and God knows I watch CSI) it was all about Respect. I have always gotten into trouble whenever I felt disrespected. Real thing.....

I stayed with him about 5 years after that. It was my duty. Until I couldn't anymore. There went my engagement (Sorry Mummy).

Could you believe that bitch sneaked out the back door. He came out the front. Yes! (Eu fucking reka) she worked with him.

Anyway, fast forward..... I lost my job over a man (sighhhh).

I loved him.

That banking job that my mother was so proud of. I believe that he was the direct cause. Although legally they got rid of me on a technicality, a sister in law did that to me. Another woman.

So at 31years old I found myself jobless. with a 10 yr old. The struggle was immense and he wasn't there for me. The bank had been my identity. I should have fought for that job. I should have threw everyone under the fucking bus! I didn't I was in love!!! I stayed in love with him an additional year. I was bummy. I drank all day at bars. Survived on unemployment benefits and painkillers. I passed out regularly..... Got more tattoos and more piercing. Did crop over, and partying like I was the only girl in the world. The only good thing I can say about my child's father is that he took care of her during my "stupid" period. Better than I knew he could. He had seen me act out like this before. Right after I left his mental and physical abuse behind. I was Single! Boy was I single! If you know what I mean. So he knew how to protect his daughter from me.

I met someone. I was the least bit interested in him at first but he drew me in. I told him I wouldn't be any man's outside woman again. I told him the repercussions I had endured from such relationships. He swore he was single and that I needed to let go my hurt and let him love me. So I did and I loved again and fiercely. Guess what? That Bitch wasn't single and he broke my heart! I swear I should be dead cause I can't believe my heart is still able to actually pump blood all around my huge body anymore.

I have always hated being alone, I grew up with so much family around. My big brother was and sometimes still is my hero. I wanted to meet a man just like him. I wanted a husband. But all I got was the secret lover card. The 3 o'clock morning calls. "Are U up love?"

You see where I am going with this? My life has been influenced and determined by men. My best friend has never been a woman single for more than 4 months. She doesn't accept anything less than a relationship. She has never been the outside woman. Sometimes I feel as if she molds her life around her hubby. Well I use to feel that way. But now I think she just wants it to work. Who doesn't right? Women always change a little.... Right? But I don't want that. I don't want to be defined by a man, yet I always am...

So here I am yesterday. A Sunday. My daughter was off with friends for the weekend and I was in bed with my glass of red wine as usual. (Red wine calms me and makes me horny... Ok. Overshare!!!) thinking about all the shit I went through over the last year. Surgery and working a 7 dollars an hour crappy job to try and scrape my rent. Which was becoming futile. I couldn't do shit for about a good three months after the surgeon cut open my throat to remove half of my thyroid gland. Lord knows I swear I was a goner. I was so scared and cancer is rampant in my family. Most of my uncles and aunts having died of one kind of cancer or another. All on my mother's side. Her mother having died of breast cancer. Now here I was with a lump in my thyroid. Not any of the men I was messing with around.

Funny thing about men or at least the ones in my life thus far. They like me tipsy and happy. When I get deep they pull away and go back to their girlfriends.... I bet most of them don't know I write.

Which brings me back full circle to my epiphany. The one I had this morning while drinking my Protein shake. (I tend to ramble by the way) But wait! I have one more story to tell about men moulding my life and its all entwined with that Protein shake. This man I met him on my partying streak. He believes he is a Greek God and apparently he thought I was fat and stated quite loudly that he certainly did not like or admire Fat People. I was about 212 pounds. Not fat maybe thick since I am about 5 ft 9 or so. Anyway I decided because of this man that I wanted to be fucking perfect. Hence ! Protein shakes and gym every damn evening. I am trimming up nicely and The Greek God has even admitted it! Haha! Oh and my trainer is just fabulous to look at! What????

Anyway back to my epiphany. My old school friend of 23 years has a cousin I consider to be very successful. Looking at her life and deciding she is my new Queen! (All Hail Queen Ann!) I realized that she is single. A frigging powerhouse of Single. She's not gay, has her own home and vehicle. This Bitch is awesome dude!

It suddenly hit me! Like a weigh at the gym! Most successful women are Single! I have to make being "Alone" an art. I have to be driven by it. I want to run if not Barbados at least the damn World. And I know some other women that would make excellent Minions.... (Insert evil laugh...)

Men distract women. You spend your whole life bearing their children, cooking their food, washing clothes, putting up with then screwing their "good friends ( yea right, friend my ass) and their secretaries, calling us miserable just because we asked if that woman is actually his woman. All that crap we focus on. We forget to be successful. Most men aren't even worth being unsuccessful for. They just aren't.

We frown at Eve for taking the apple, but guess what? The snake was a male! And Eve just wanted to keep Adam. She just wanted to be happy.

So what am I going to do? I am going to focus. Focus on Gillian and success. I am going to be successful and more damn beautiful in my 30s and onward and ever! I don't want to be alone but I am going to use it as a weapon. Don't get me wrong I am not turning a lesbian. I might even be half in love (Againnnnn) as I type furiously about my epiphany. But this time I am making sure he's not a psycho, or a liar, or married..... Or a cheater. I want to be #1 in all things. Relationships, work, everything! Maybe I can even look at all the bad things I been through the past 2 years as character building. After all, I am a strong ass woman. I lost a job and learned how to bartend, how to drink an enormous amount of alcohol without vomiting, how to fix and service cell phones and I learned about dental insurance in America! (go Obama!). I got close to an old school mate in the last couple years of her life because I had the time, although I didn't know it then, (R.I.P Patrina) I also learned how to use exclamation marks!!!!!!!! See? I even figured out how to control pure and terrifying fear after I was burglarized while home and asleep, naked.... In my bed.

So as you can see , The last two glorious months of 2012, November being the most wonderful of all (Happy Birthday to me) and 2013 will be exceptional for my Minions and I (Yes Minions I am indeed the Boss of this operation!). So stay tuned.....