Up in Flames (Flames #1)

Seven

The Story Never Ends by Lauv

As I trudge onto campus on Tuesday morning, I feel about as good about myself as I do about the day ahead of me. The only umbrella I own is flimsy at best, and was no match for the torrential downpour that the heavens blessed me with today. Instead, it just served to make my walk onto campus that much more difficult - fighting with the umbrella as it tried to get away from me in the howling winds, while still trying to see enough in front of me to not walk into something or someone.

As I stand undercover, looking at the building where my class is this morning, all I want to do is get a dry ride home, have a hot shower, and collapse into bed. Unfortunately for me, all that would do is leave me restless with too much time to think about the stinging words of my cousin, dearest Phil. 

I suck in a breath, preparing myself to be berated by the rain, and I'm struck still. There, entering the building I was just preparing myself to run to, is Tali. She looks gorgeous, even with her hair plastered to her face in the rain. She enters the building like she has a right to be there - like there's no question that she belongs here on this campus, even dripping with rain water. The sight of her disappearing frame has me leaning back into the wall of the café behind me.

I have absolutely no idea what to do. She hasn't texted me at all since her last message yesterday letting me know she wasn't going to give me her notes, and despite checking my phone every few minutes this morning looking for reassurance, she has stayed quiet. I know that I have choices here - I have options. I can go in there, sit next to her, and apologise for being rude and ignoring her. But Phil...Phil's face looms in my mind, reminding me of the monster I am. If I want to take a step away from her, I could always walk into that classroom and sit as far away from her as possible...

I wince as I even think about how hurt she would be at my rejection, at my rudeness. I can't do it - I can't do either of those things. What am I doing?

I turn around, and join in a line of students heading in to the café. The least I can do for myself is get a hot drink while I wallow in indecision. The line crawls so slowly, I barely feel like I'm moving at all. About half an hour later, I'm finally settled in a plastic chair outside under cover, watching brave students make their way through the storm to get to their class.

I sit there, watching students flit about the courtyard, and imagine where they're going. The girl in the red raincoat - I imagine she's headed to an English literature class where they discuss women in the media, and the presentation of gender stereotypes. I bet she's a top student. The boy in shorts walking like he has all the time in the world - I imagine he's blowing off whatever class he's supposed to be in, and instead is going to meet up with some friends. Or maybe a girl. Definitely a girl.

There are so many students who walk past, so many lives to imagine, and I'm caught up with all of them before I've even managed to finish my drink. Without realizing it, I've lost an hour already and my drink sits before me cold. What am I doing?

Am I really going to let another person ruin something for me? I worked hard, so hard, to earn a scholarship and get out of my town. I earned my way into a new life, a new city, a new start. And now what? A week in and I'm already blowing off class to avoid someone? How can I have so little sense of value for the education and the life I've pushed myself towards for years?

Anger and shame burn red hot within me. I need to learn to be my own person, to stop paying attention to others and basing my decisions on theirs. Most of all, I need to stop sabotaging myself before I've even had a chance to make something worthwhile. I sit there, stewing in my thoughts, trying to make a plan of action. I can manage on my own - I don't need anyone to provide me with approval or support. I've managed on my own before, and I can do so again as long as I stick to myself. Tigers don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep; I need to be a tiger, on my own.