Chasing Second Chances

Passion for Pain

The feelings that rushed through my body as the blade cut into my skin were endless.

They came one right after the other, each as contradicting as the next.

Relief. Worry. Ecstasy. Pain. Love. Hate.

I wanted more, to slice every inch of my being.

Yet at the same time, I wanted to heal.

My heart raced as the blood rushed down my arm, staining my pale skin that beautiful crimson.

A few tears slid down my cheeks as I hid the blade.

This is bad. This is really bad.

It’s so deep.

“Hey Ella, you ready?” Blake’s eyes widened in shock as he rounded the corner. “What the hell happened!?”

“I hit my arm on the corner of the sink. Hurts like a bitch.”

A shaky laugh filled the room as I tried to hold back the tears.

“Come on, we need to go to the hospital. You need stitches.”

“No, I don’t want to go to the hospital!”

Blood smeared across my shirt as I pulled my arm away, frantic and afraid.

“This is no time for your bullshit Ella, you need stitches. You’re losing a lot of blood.”

This is what I want isn’t it?

Losing blood to the point of no return.

“Give me your arm, we need to wrap it up for now.”

My body went through the motions, raising my arm high enough for him to tie a towel around the wound.

To think someone would react this way over me.

It makes no sense.

“Get in the car, if we’re lucky we can get there in about ten minutes.”

With haste Blake threw me in the car before jumping in himself.

“I don’t understand how you hit your arm that hard Ella.”

“I was just, in a hurry.”

“It’s so deep!”

A throb radiated from the gash on my arm.

“It’s a metal sink with a sharp edge Blake, it’s not so difficult.”

My insides seemed to freeze when we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

“ER is this way, come on.”

I don’t want to do this.

I don’t want to be here.

“How much blood has she lost?”

“I don’t know, she had been bleeding for a while by the time I got there.”

“Sit up here sweetheart, we’ll get you fixed up. I’m gonna need you to leave the room, and you to take your jacket off.”

Take my jacket off?

“Why do I need to take my jacket off?”

“I just need it out of the way dear.”

Gingerly I removed the jacket, feeling naked without my second layer of skin.

“This should go by real quick alright?”

I nodded absentmindedly, trying to think of an excuse for all of the scars.

I have a cat?

No, Blake knows  I don’t own any animals.