Poem-ish

No longer honeymoon

I no longer have a voice. I'm stuck inside my head everyday thinking of all the possible reasons we drift apart.  I know the logical thing to do is move on.  But love prevails all? You say you're going through rough times, that's why you get so angry. WHy we can't touch and feel anymore.  But that's turned my ok mindset into a worried one.  Now I sit for hours contemplating what could be so huge that it justifies what you put me through.  But no matter how many logical or illogical answers I think of.  I always come up with an excuse for you. An excuse for me to stay.  My favorite excuse is how I can't possibly leave you because just the thought of it nearly kills me.  you run around flirting with many girls while I can speak to no boy.  My excuse?  How could I be one of THOSE girls.  the ones who keep their boys from freedom and are made out to be phsycos. but to be honest I don't think like that anymore.  When I fall in love and You love me why should we have to share, or even want to share?  But I have an excuse for that too I mean my best friend is a guy why can't his be a girl. And yes I see the difference in how I treat my ONE guy friend verse how he treats all his girl friends but I'm just overreacting I mean he warns me with a low growl to stop behaving improperly.  The second I noticed his loss in interest I stayed quiet.  He told me many times that these were stupid questions that my completely none phsyco and mentally stable (sarcasm) brain should know the answer to.  but eventually I begged him for an answer and I didn't like it.  Apparently, I wasn't trying hard enough with my day to day look.  And me being well me I decided to start trying. so every day I put extra effort into my appearance and it seemed to appease him the first and, maybe second day but I faded back into the background. I was so embarrassed about my sudden care in appearances I told everyone that I was merely trying to give myself more confidence to better my mental health but the true effects were opposite. I was so embarrassed the last day because I had a very big dentist appointment and didn't feel like being uncomfortable, so I dressed in sweats praying my mom wouldn't make me face him at school. Luckily she agreed to keep me home.  And now I sit telling everyone the pain from the dentist was too strong for me to go to school.  But it was honestly the decrease in mental stability every time I see the disappointment in my boyfriend's eyes when he looks at my non-dressed up figure.  So what do I do?  I came out to one of my friends but I won't tell her this.  My other friend will probably read this but just don't bring it up, please.  And I'll probably call my long distance guy best friend who I don't have to see every day so I can cry to him for an hour, and probably annoy him.  But I know for sure I won't break up with him because it hurts too badly to even think about. So, I have no voice and I'm stuck inside my head.