I was waiting to ask to go the bathroom, behind the yellow line of course.
The yellow line was for patients to stay behind unless there was an emergency but really defiant girls would doddle in the space between the yellow line and the staff desk. Like this girl, she reminded me of Judy Bloom; she had real bouncy red curls and she was quite young. When I first arrived at around 5:40am, she was up and wandering. I didn't know that that wasn't normal, but it was extremely irregular because wake up call was 7:45. Anyways, I thought she was schizophrenic because she would stand in the spaces between rooms and peak out at me. I remember her twirling in her pajamas down the hallway, it was barely light enough for me to see. I had just said goodbye to mother so I was sniffling but more than that I was exhausted. I had been up for nearly 24 hours with short naps between. I was a little woozy, and watching this Judy Bloom girl twirling down the hall made me afraid. She would go forward of the yellow line and dance around waiting for staff to acknowledge her. She was on restriction for trying to break out of the unit a couple times. Restriction is for bad girls or new girls.
So, I was waiting to talk to a staff when a girl walked up to me. Previously coming from the hospital, all I had on were thin scrubs. The girl who walked up to me was really quiet, I forget her name though. She whispered to me, "your scrubs ripped, you should ask for a new pair." I was so embarrassed, I had on maroon scrubs from the hospital and the unit scrubs were blue so girls already looked at me differently. It made me sad.
Scrubs were uncomfortable and I didn't receive my home items until two days in. Our items had to be approved, but I didn't receive very much the first time. I got some undergarments, a couple of my grandparents sweaters, leggings, and socks. I slept with my grandpas sweater for every day I was in the unit.
So what brought me to the unit? I had just come from a counselling appointment but that was all a blur. I remember my mom coming in and not looking at her. I was bouncing my leg furiously as I contemplated every way I could exit this world. We all established I wasn't fit to stay home because I was unsafe so we drove to Banner. I cried the whole way. I was on suicide watch in my room so my nurse had to stay by my side all the time, even in the bathroom. My grandma came to Banner and waited with me and my mom for the crisis team to contact me. Crisis is a group of a people that decide if you are fit to stay home or you need to be hospitalised, crisis decided to have me hospitalised. So, I rode in an ambulance all the way to the behavioral facility. It was really warm because that March night was really brisk. The nurse had given me two blankets and a warmed blanket, she was very nice. I was too afraid to ask to turn the heat off because I was getting too warm. I kept telling myself, "You are almost there and then when you are, you will be cold again."
My mom met us at the facility, I made a makeshift bed out of the hospital blankets on the hard wood floors as we waited for my case manager. The manager came and we went through questioning and health questionnaires. Finally, it was time to part from my mom. I was brought down multiple hallways and through many doors until we reached the all girls unit. I was so tired. I was sat in a chair behind the yellow line and awaited my physical. The staff had such thick accents and I didn't know how to answer them. That's when I saw the Judy Bloom girl peak her head out of her room and twirl down the hallway.
At wake up call, all the girls shuffled to the hygiene cart to grab their bins. I saw so many different faces, faces of sadness mostly. My physical was completed and I was asked to sit in the day room. That's when my scrub pants split, as I brought my knees to my chin.
That's how I got here.
