Lineup was always very particular. If we were walking and girls got out of line to stand in groups, we would walk back to the unit and do a recount and re-lineup. We would do this walking to the dining hall, patio, art room, and recreation room. The art room was my favorite, especially on the weekends. One weekends we could do anything we wanted; we could draw, paint, work with pastels, or play board games. We could also "rent" movies and books to take back to the unit but they were very boring looking. I actually never liked painting while on the unit, it was messy and didn't look great because we painted on printer paper which would become crinkled easy. I loved working with pastels, I created a whole garden landscape with pastels. It was my best work in the unit. Out of the hospital, I didn't have the money to get a whole box of nice pastels but I had watercolor paints so that is what I used.
To me, I have never been stellar at something; painting, writing, reading, crafts, knitting, school are all things I am mediocre at but not fantastic. That is one reason I got so sad in the first place. I actually thought I sucked at everything and was a waste of a human; after being treated, the feeling lessened but still lingers.
The patio was super fun, we got to listen to music and feel the sun on our faces. We also got to play with chalk in the big patio and play with balls. I remember one time I was sitting with a staff member, we called her Big Mama, and we were talking. I was talking about the scholarship I had just received and the colleges I wanted to go to and she wished me luck in life once I was out. She told me to call when I am out to update her on my life but I never had the courage to do so.
When I was on the unit, I didn't know who to make friends with. Before going to the hospital, I was closer to adults than teens but I didn't want to befriend the staff. The girls all did things I was not even close to being interested in like sex and drugs. Though, all my friends had left before my discharge I decided it was more important to work on myself. So, I would join a group at lunch on the patio, or in the day room but I never had set friends. Two days until my release, I switched roommates because my roommate fell in love with a girl down the hall. My new roommate ended up being super cool and we talked about everything.
Right before the roommate switch which happened at night, I switched mattresses in my room. My mattress was very thin and uncomfortable, it gave me horrible back pains. My roommates mattress was squishy and soft, so when she was in the shower I ripped the bedding off our beds and switched the mattresses. They were long, heavy, and floppy but I did it before staff noticed my door was shut. Finally, her mattress was on my bed and I went to open the door. A staff member had her hand on my door handle, like she was ready to open it, and then she spoke to me. "What are you doing?"
"Um...I am switching bedding on our beds." I played it off so cool.
"Sweetie, you don't have to do that. But if you are doing it, I will get you some new bedding." She replied sweetly.
This was the best thing I have ever pulled off in my life. I was so afraid of getting in trouble and it was great that I didn't. So I made the beds and then that night we switched roommates. So technically, I could have just claimed the other bed and not gone through the whole fiasco.
After losing the girls I was close to, I decided to step outside my comfort zone and I think it saved my life.
