The ABC's Of Life

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I'm not in the best mood. I have one week until I have to go back to school, my parents don't trust me with anything, and I've been having trouble sleeping. I know I might be over-reacting to a lot of these situations, but I'm sick of many things my dad does. He springs things on my older brother all the time and when something gets sprung on him, he's all mad about it. And I know I can't trust him because A) He doesn't know me, anything I like, or most of my life and B) I know that he's gonna tell other people. He also babies my little brother to no end. Sure, my older brother and I are mean to him some times, but he needs to know that there is negativity in this world and that there won't always be a protective shield.

He also needs to know that there are consequences to his actions and that if you do bad things, its not okay. I think that he's babying him because he has one last chance to not make a messed up child. He probably thinks of him as the last good one, since my brother and I are both teenagers and 'rebellious'. I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep. I take a sleeping pill before I go to bed every night, but I still wake up at 2 AM in the morning and it will take me four hours to get back to sleep. I know this may not be a big problem, but I need to get back into a normal sleeping habit so I can wake up early enough for school at 7:30 AM.

Everyone thinks that my family is perfect. My dad is a pastor, my mom is a therapist getting ready to get her masters degree, my older brother is perfectly social and kind, and my little borther is the cute, smart one. And then there's me. The one who can sing, and that's it. I go to the facny arts school and that's it. I'm not that special or amazing compared to my brothers, and I never will be. My brothers are always so positive in social situations, and when I have a bad day, I always seem like the one person that's off. Like the fish out of water. People who know my dad only know him as this great man who is super amazing and hard-working. When people see me, they think that I'm ungrateful or angered at this "perfect" family. They just don't know the truth.

My little brother and I fight a lot, and my family antagonizes me. yes, some of the time I'm trying to hurt his feelings or put him down, but that's because he needs to know that there won't always be someone to protect him. That's a lesson I had to learn in third grade, and it's made me a stronger person. I've been more self-reliant and independent, while I see my little brother constantly going to my mother and father for everything that makes him feel even the slightest bit in pain or aggravated. he needs to learn how to handle problems on his own, or else when he's in middle school he's gonna be the mama's boy that sucks up to everyone.

That's another thing about him, he sucks up to everyone. If my older brother liked "Call of Duty: Ghosts", he would like it too. It really annoys me because he needs to know how to formulate his own opinion. I know he's my brother and I'm supposed to build him up, not tear him down, but I can't bring myself to think that when he makes my day so much more difficult.

My mom also considers heavy rock/metal/punk rock "Alex Music", in reference to my older brother. She was completely shocked when I was listening to "Open Wounds" by Skillet because she doesn't think I'm into those genres. Goes to show how much my parents know about me. I love Skillet, Panic! At The Disco, Evanescence, Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, etc... But my parents would probably call this a phase and say that'll I'll get over it eventually.

I don't think my dad has grasped that I'm not some brainless, conformist rag-doll for him to talk to. I have an opinion, I have feelings, and I have my flaws. I know that. I know that I'm not perfect and never will be. I know that I need to excersize more and eat healthier, I know that I need to get outside more, and I know that I need to be more social. Here's the thing, I can physically do things about the less internet and weight, but I have a fear of social interaction.

I have a fear of rejection, which makes it extremely difficult for me to talk to people I don't know because I'm afraid that they'll judge me, reject me, and put me down. I never want to feel like that, so my brain figures that if I stay in my little bubble, nothing can hurt me. As many of my friends can tell you, I am extremely crazy, but when I am forced to talk to people I don't know, I freeze. I get extremely shy and feel fear. When I was on a missions trip to Maine earlier this summer, I stuck with my close friends for the first few days. One of the interns helping out on the trip said 'Why don't you go talk to more people? I know you're really tight with Carol and Katherine, but why don't you be more social?'

That's the thing, it hurts me to be social. I have such a phobia that when people talk to me first, I can't hold up a good conversation. I know I'm guilty of sucking up to people as well, somewhat. I like to make references and I hate it when I'm alone in a group of people. I feel so isolated and so useless to myself because I'm failing at doing something so simple and so basic. Thing is, I don't want to tell my parents about this because they'll think I have social anxiety.

I hate it when someone says 'You should go talk to them!' I can't! That hurts me! I hate rejection and can't stand it when people judge me! I don't think many of my friends knew that about me, and I'd be so scared if people I don't know very personally saw this because then they'd pity me or judge me. If people from my church saw this, I think I'd die. They don't know much about me and I intend to keep it that way, unless I am magically cured of my social phobia and become a lot more interesting. That's why I often put in my headphones to shut the world out, because I feel like the music will help me, it will heal me, it will relate to me. I avoid social situations as much as possible when I have music available.

That's what I needed to say. Sorry if that was a bit too long, but I've had this on my chest for a long time and just needed to put the pen to the paper. Thank you all for reading, and I love you lots. <3

Have a wonderful and pain-free day. :)