Call it Cloud 9

home tape

theres a couple things i cant seem to process,
so maybe writing this won't make it look as problematic and colossus,
my life is the happiest its ever been,
i got the small number of people in my life that i want that make me feel seen,
but i was sent a home tape a couple weeks ago,
i cried for hours and i couldn't remember the last time i felt so whole,
there i was at 2 years young,
smiling with the world in my eyes and i still remember singing my songs,
no one asked why i cried and truthfully im glad it wasn't the question,
because how could i explain that in between then and now its been a bloody expedition?

im sorry mini me for the times i had to wipe you out in order to be somebody im not,
and im sorry for all the tears that didn't come out from my laughters when the sun went down,
but i promise since i saw you again ive changed my way of living,
i know you've come back to me for a couple years now im just going to have to learn how to fully utilize you.

you were 2,
and im on the edge of 18,
spent a lifetime looking for any clues,
and i think now ive got it all figured out,

you had dreams,
i made them happen,
you had fears,
i lived and sheltered us through it,
that one year you wanted to leave,
i kept us grounded and trusted in what we couldn't believe.

im no longer going to care if im overly attached,
if im psychotically obsessed,
if my love is too much,
because nobody around me has ever felt my lonely,
when you fight with your sisters and your brothers, i had a dream,
and when you shared your secrets and had somebody to listen, i wanted to scream,
so maybe when im so deep in interest with you i seem a little demanding,
but ive waited so many years to share something with somebody,
so just let me love you blindly.

im a wonderful human,
im once in a lifetime,
and its about time i remember myself that way,
and if no one else will, its always been me myself and i since the dawn of time.