The Romantic Art of Bitchcraft

The Toilet Paper Conundrum

  I don't know what this is. It started from a stupid "fight" my friend and I had, and then I read a headcanon about how Zadison would fight often but over trivial things, and I ended up writing this mess. Anyways, I hope y'all enjoy!

   If it was anyone else in the Academy, Cordelia would be feeling an overwhelming desire to head down the hall to determine what all the yelling is about. However, as she's already established that the voices belong to Zoe and Madison, she knows that it likely won't snowball into anything serious.
   "Miss Delia?" Misty's voice interrupts her thoughts, preluded by a soft knock on her bedroom door.
   Cordelia's heart does a sort of flutter as she gazes upon the swamp witch.
   "Yes Misty?"
   "It's those Warlocks from the Hawthorne school," she explains, nervously fiddling with her shawl as she leans against the door. "Apparently one of 'ems in town and wants to meet with ya."
   Cordelia sighs. 
   "Where at?"
   "Some bar out near the university," Misty informs her.
   "Can you get me the address for it?" Cordelia asks.
   "Queenie's got it," Misty assures her. "I'll go get it from her."
   "Thank you," Cordelia smiles, though the girl is already bounding away. 
   The Supreme steels herself up before venturing down the hall.
   As she gets closer to the girls' shared bedroom Madison's voice starts to carry.
   "I just don't get how you can be such a monster!" she shouts.
   "Monster?" comes Zoe response. "How the hell can you call me the monster? I can show you a monster; just hand me a mirror!"
   "Rot in hell bitch!" Madison roars.
   "Madison!" Zoe yells, sounding exasperated. "It's a roll of goddamn toilet paper!"
   Cordelia has to stifle a laugh at that; these two and their ridiculous arguments.
   "A roll that you put to goddamn shame this morning!" Madison screams as Cordelia opens the girls' bedroom door. "Seriously: who the fuck puts a roll of toilet paper up like that? It clearly goes on the other way!"
   Cordelia clears her throat, announcing her presence.
   Madison sighs, her gaze dropping to her perfectly manicured nails.
   "What do you want, bitch?"
   Cordelia ignores the movie star, focusing her attention on her council member.
   "I have a meeting with one of the warlocks from Hawthorne," she explains to the brunette. "I expect it to take the entire afternoon. Will you and Queenie take care of classes today?"
   "It's already taken care of," Zoe assures her. "Queenie and I will do a quick lesson on tasseography, and then Myrtle is taking them on a field trip."
   "A field trip?" Cordelia can't remember Myrtle saying anything about it. "To where?"
   Zoe can only shrug.
   "She didn't say," she explains. "Only that it's a surprise, and don't expect them back until dinner."
   "That's actually kind of perfect," Cordelia grins. "It gives me plenty of time to deal with the men."
   "Glad we can help," Zoe smiles.
   "Ack," Madison pretends to gag. "It is sincerely disgusting how much you kiss Cordy's ass. One could almost mistake you for her girlfriend instead of mine."
   Zoe rolls her eyes. "This is exactly why you're not on the council."
   "Shit!" Cordelia gasps, noticing the time. "I have to go or I'm going to be late."
   "Good luck!" Zoe calls as the Supreme rushes out the door.
   "Kiss-ass," Cordelia hears Madison mumble.
   "Regular civilian," Zoe retorts.
   "Well, if they let you on the council despite your inability to perform a basic function like putting a roll of toilet paper on the wrack, then I don't think I even want to be part of it."
   "Oh my fu-- This again?"

*   *   *   *   *

   Cordelia was exactly right: the meeting did take all afternoon.
   And it was over the most trivial matters, as per usual. This particular visit involved talk of some "spectacular specimen" of a boy that was currently sitting in a jail cell.
   Supposedly there was footage of him that had suggested he might be a warlock. A very powerful warlock, Behold had stressed. The Hawthorne masters wanted her approval to bust him out of the system and enroll him in their school at once.
   Despite Cordelia's hesitancy--and her insistence that they not violate every goddamn law in America by leading a jailbreak-- in the end she had given in, allowing them the authority to take the boy in and train him.
   Gods, how she can feel that that one is going to come back and bite her in the ass someday.
   But someday is not today, so she finds that she really doesn't care about it right now.
   Right now, the only thought on her mind is the Academy.
   She wants nothing more than to go home to her girls, and her bed, and to Misty...
   Not necessarily in that order, she thinks with a blush, opening up the door to the Academy, where the sounds of shouting can instantly be heard.
   There's still a good hour or so before dinner, so the house should be mostly empty. Myrtle is out with all the students, meaning the only ones who should be home are her council members-- Zoe, Queenie, and Misty-- and Madison, along with Coco St. Pierre-- a student at the school who had woken up with a fever-- and possibly Mallory, who rarely left Coco's side these days. Of the six, the only really confrontational one is Madison, and Cordelia can't quite grasp what might be going on as she strides down the hall and into the kitchen, where the racket seems to be coming from.
   "You are a human piece of shit!" Zoe yells.
   "Girl, shut the fuck up!" Queenie retorts, making Cordelia stop in her tracks.
   Zoe and Queenie are fighting?
   This does not bode well.
   "You always think you know everything, but you know what Zoe? Sometimes you can be so goddamn clueless!" Madison snarls.
   "Hey!" Cordelia hears the unmistakeable voice of Misty snap. "Don't you talk to Zoe like that! She's a council member, so show some respect!"
   "Cry me a river, you dumb bitch," Madison returns. "They let you on the council, so clearly it doesn't mean anything."
   "Of course you'd say that," comes the voice of Mallory. "The best you could do was to be a teacher; you're covering up your jealousy with false belittlement."
   "And even the teaching almost didn't pan out," Misty adds.
   "You shut the fuck up right now or I swear to Papa-freaking-Legba I'll--"
   "Girls!" Cordelia shrieks as she enters the room, not even believing what she is seeing.
   The room is split in two, with Queenie, Madison, and Coco on one side facing Zoe, Misty, and Mallory on the other. Zoe is standing in a fighting stance on the kitchen table while Madison balances on one of the chairs, levitating it so that she is looking down on her girlfriend. Queenie has a knife positioned precariously against her neck while she stares daggers at Misty, who is weilding a spatula. Poor Coco looks like she is about to pass out, meanwhile Mallory stands there with her arms crossed, glaring up at Madison on her floating throne.
   As soon as the girls catch sight of their Supreme, they all freeze. It's as if her coven is attempting the manniquin challenge, they go so still.
   None of them offer any sort of explanation either. They just stare.
   Cordelia sighs, tossing her arms up in surrender.
   "I've had a stressful day," she announces. "And I am going to lie down. If you destroy anything, repair it; if anyone dies, make sure it's not Misty so that she can revive them. Got it?"
   The girls, silently, all nod.
   "Okay," Cordelia sighs, making her way towards the stairs.
   On her way she passes by the bathroom, and she notices the door ajar.
   She stops, frowning slightly at the sight before her.
   "I might be crazy," she admits, turning to face her girls. "But shouldn't the roll of toilet paper go on the other way?"
   No one responds.
   Cordelia shrugs.
   "I suppose it's just me then."
   The girls all watch her trudge up the stairs, shoulders slightly stooped under the weight of her exhaustion and stress.
   As soon as she is out of sight, Zoe, Misty, and Mallory start cheering.
   "She's a fucking lunatic!" Madison complains.
   "You're just jealous because we've got the fucking Supreme on our side!" Zoe gloats, smirking at Madison. "What do you got again?"
   "Dignity," Madison scoffs.
   But she says it with a smile, gazing at her girlfriend as the brunette witch claps and hugs tightly to Mallory and Misty, celebrating their small victory.
   At least they've managed to solve the great toilet paper conundrum.