I'm fine i'm just beyond repair

Chapter 14

Being depressed and into a relationship at the same time was the hardest thing Michael had ever done in his life and he had never expected a boyfriend would make his life better and worse at the same time. His uphills were mountains and his downhills were cliffs. He felt like a black and white movie, completely white and bright whenever he was with his love, completely black and dark whenever they were apart. It wasn't because he couldn't life without Luke, or because he missed him so much, it were the voices inside his head, telling him he wasn't good enough for his perfect boyfriend. Luke's perfectness reminded him of how flawed he was, and the boy didn't even know about his secrets yet. Michael was scared, so scared his lover would leave him as soon as he could see through all his lies. Keeping the truth from the blonde was getting harder by the day and with every day that passed, Michael felt even worse. His therapist had told him that maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship yet.

'You need to learn to love yourself before you can accept someone else's love for you.'

But how can you love yourself when there's no one else who loves you?

Calum had noticed Michael was getting bad again. He had tried to talk to him, tried to find out what was bothering him so much but Michael couldn't tell him. Calum would tell him to talk to Luke but he just wasn't ready yet. He didn't think he'd ever be ready.

Luke had noticed it too. Not that Michael was getting bad again, but something wasn't right.

His thoughts weren't hidden somewhere inside of him anymore whenever he was with Luke, they kept creeping up even when they were cuddling or kissing.

"Mikey." He asked, his fingers playing with Michael's.

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired."

"You say that every time."

"That's because I'm always tired." Michael let out a fake chuckle. He was good at those; Luke probably couldn't tell the difference since half of Michael was fake.

"Something's wrong though. You're so distant lately."

Michael cringed. He didn't want Luke to know. He didn't want the boy to notice something was off. He didn't want to hurt the boy but he could've known he'd fuck up whatever they had eventually. Luke's finger ghosted over his arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps, stopping where his sleeve ended, just over his elbow.

"I love you." Luke spoke, placing a kiss on Michael's temple after they had been sitting in silence for a while, and Michael couldn't take it anymore, couldn't hold it in. He stood up from where the two of them were sitting on Luke's bed and walked to the door. Luke stopped him before his hand could reach the doorknob, his hand on Michael's shoulder.

"Please tell me what is wrong." Luke said, sounding like he was scared of what Michael was hiding from him. The older boy turned around, the first tear in over a year on his cheek. Luke gulped as he wiped it away, Michael's eyes focused on where his hand found Luke's.

"You don't want to know."

"Tell me." Luke repeated, it was just a whisper and Michael wished he hadn't heard it.

The two boys were standing in the room, they didn't speak, they didn't move and maybe they didn't even breathe for a minute.

"I'm sick."

Michael had closed his eyes so he couldn't see his lover's reaction.

"Sick in my head." He added, when he didn't get an answer.

When he looked up, Luke was looking at him as though he had just seen a ghost.

"I've been diagnosed with depression almost four years ago." He explained.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

No answer.

"You didn't think I'd leave you, did you?"

Still no answer.

"How bad is it?"

Michael shrugged. He didn't really know how bad it was, he didn't have much to compare himself with.

"Is that why you never want to take your shirt off?" Luke asked, voice soft and broken. The blonde had tried to take Michael's shirt off only two times, and he had refused both times. Luke had never said anything about it and Michael wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

"Yes."

Luke let go of Michael's hand and sat down on his bed, looking at Michael with watery eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not telling you. For being like this. For making you sad." Michael summed up.

"Don't be. I understand."

The couple was lying on Luke's bed, Luke's arms protectively wrapped around the older boy. Michael could feel his tears falling on his shirt every now and then and he hated himself for making the younger boy cry. Michael wasn't worth crying over and he could feel the anger and guilt building up inside of him. When he was sure Luke was asleep, he left the bed and went home. He paced through his room the entire night, his brain hurting from overthinking so much. He wanted to throw all his belongings through his room, he wanted to punch the walls, he wanted to make himself bleed but most of all, he wanted to die. He kept thinking about it, figured Luke would probably be even sadder if he actually killed himself, but at least Luke would only be sad for a little while; he'd eventually get over it.

Michael's whole body was trembling as he tried to calm himself down, but he was hysterically crying and hyperventilating and pulling at his hair. He didn't even know why, Luke wasn't even mad at him.

All the emotions from the last couple of weeks, all the joy he had felt for the first time in years and all the guilt that came with it, it all spilled out that night. Everything was becoming so much and Michael didn't even know what was happening to him, felt like he was slowly dying on the inside. This had to stop.

(I'm wrtiting on chapter 15 later acctually so if you're lucky i may post that one later, again thanks frmir sticking by, i know many people have like 60k readers on their stories but i'm really happy that i have 150 on this one. Follow and all that, bye)