It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

So Broken

Izzy

Slash is drowning. My baby doll is drowning and I don't know what to do to save him. Every day I watch him drift further and further away and no matter how tightly I hold on he just keeps sinking. His nightmares are getting worse, he cries over everything; and this is a man who would rather die than be caught crying. Sometimes in bed if I move too quickly or grip him too tightly he'll immediately flinch, throw his arms up to protect his head or just out and out freeze altogether. This embarrasses him to no end so of course he shoots up even more to make it disappear or he stays so drunk that his reflexes are too dull to react that way. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about the drinking and how much he's using and why but he just looks at me with those huge brown eyes full of pain and says "It hurts Izzy and I don't want to feel it." What the fuck do I say to that? I've had to shoot him up with coke twice in the past few weeks because he's almost od'd and I needed for his heart to beat faster or he was going to drop dead. He's thrown up all over the bed and we had to change rooms. He's socked me in the jaw when he was somewhere between awake and asleep when he was having a nightmare and I was trying to get him to wake up. It is not easy to be with him right now. He's a total fucking wreck.

The only things that seem to make him happy are playing his guitar and having sex. I'm not complaining about either as those two things make me happy too. Every night he plays like the devil lit a fire under his ass; it's amazing how good he is. But every night I watch Axl ooze all over him and I can see Slash cringe and grit his teeth as he tries to make it look natural when he slides away and tries not to scream. Axl totally takes advantage of the fact that Slash won't call him out and shove him away in front of the audience too. One night he was getting really touchy with Slash and Slash looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown. He even dropped his cigarette. I told Axl after the show that night that if he ever found himself all over my boyfriend like that again he would be short two guitar players. He's made sure to keep his hands to himself a little more but not completely. That was the night I got punched in the jaw trying to wake Slash up from whatever horrible nightmare he was having.

The dreams are getting worse; more violent and even more frequent. They've been that way since we started having sex again a couple of weeks ago. I've tried to talk to him about it, tried to get him to tell me what he's seeing in his dreams but he won't. He won't tell me about them at all and I know he's trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark about the hell he went through so I won't feel guilty but it's killing him which makes me feel even worse. All I can do is hold his terrified, shaking form every night and try and kiss the fear away while he pants and tries to catch his breath. I've told him we don't have to have sex; I've tried to get him to just lay with me and go to sleep but honestly I'm just as hot for him as I ever was and he's not any better. Any time we get a half an hour alone our pants end up around our knees and we can't suppress the satisfied grins on our faces when it's over. We fuck like there's no tomorrow and for us sometimes it feels like there isn't. I'm afraid he's going to kill himself with heroin before tomorrow comes a lot of the time.

He takes me up against the wall, on my back, bent over a couch in one of our dressing rooms and in every hotel bed we sleep in. I live to feel his lips on mine and his cock in my ass. Sick thing to live for I guess but whatever; nobody has ever made me cum so hard in my life. The only downside is how much I want to make love him and he is so far from ready for that. I don't mind bottoming; especially for him but I wish I could give him back what he's giving me. I pretty much suck at expressing myself in any other way and my heart's about ready to explode. As it is my every caress, every kiss is filled with how much I love him and my longing to show him for hours at a time. It's frustrating on multiple levels but I refuse to lose my patience with him for something that's not his fault. I'm amazed we are where we are given everything that's happened to him; maybe we're only there because we were together before. I do know that he's trying to make the darkness inside of him go away any way that he can; if he can't fuck it away he'll drink it away and if that doesn't work he'll get high until he all but disappears.