Amaranthine - JENLISA (completed)

REMEMBER

I  started to remember things I didn't know happened before. Maybe this is  why reapers have no recollection of their previous lives. Did we all  have painful lives? Did we all live before we became the guardians of  the dead? Were we sinners? Were we given freewill to choose our paths  just like the souls we guide to the afterlife? I still don't know If the  life I lived was entirely painful but the memory that came back to me  earlier wasn't so bad. It was rather a good one.

But,  the thing is, If this was my life, that means, I'm not in the present  world but rather the past. It already happened unless among the number  of infinites the universe has, this is one has not happened yet.  Therefore, this version of Jennie and I are real and alive. Although it  gave me so much confusion.

Is  it the past or not? Either way, Jennie is dying and I'm the one taking  her soul. Could there be a possible work around? Is it possible I'm able  to save her from her fate? It's quite a long shot. Reapers are not  allowed to interfere with human lives unless it's the inevitable which  is making sure that these people die according to the time table. But  what if this was my life though? I lived this one am I not allowed to  make changes?

There's  still so much more to know. As I began remembering, it becomes even  more complicated. Seung Hyun is Jennie's brother. We already knew each  other in our past lives but how come Seung Hyun remembers and I don't?  I'm sure he does. He wouldn't act the way he did if he didn't remember.  What's he not telling me?  Either way, It can't be good.

He  was so against this mission. Maybe he's trying to hide something from  me. Maybe he doesn't want me to find out something that I might regret.  But what do I do? I'm already here and I can't possibly stop now. Not at  this point. Not when I already knew I lived. Perhaps, is the council  showing me the life I had before deciding to ascend? I know reaper have  no recollection of memory prior to becoming one but are the ones in  paradise remember things? That's another question and little by little I  was beginning to think that the chances of me ascending is slim. If I  felt pain, it's not good.

I  stayed at the yellow house watching Jennie and my human form interact.  My human self adored Jennie so much. Or should I did? I have? And right  now, I feel like I still do.  Jennie looked at me like I was her world  and so did I. We had this simple life inside this house but something  tells me this is our safe space, our home. Just her and I. There were  pictures of us in this house way back from when we were little up until  now.

There  are so many memories in each picture and I couldn't remember all of  them. It was frustrating all at once but I guess I'll have to be  patient. I'm beginning something triggers those memories as it flashes  back in my head. Simple things like conversations unlock a specific  memory and I was going to do that. Patience. After all, I've already  spent 3000 years in eternity. Waiting a little bit more wouldn't hurt  but that's not the case.

Waiting  is the game killer. What If by the time I remember everything, Jennie's  already dead? What If I could have prevented it but my memories came  flashing too late? Do I only get flashbacks everytime I'm connected to  my human self? Can I really do something about it? Is there a way I  could talk to the archangels? I know they've never interacted with  entities like us besides Michael but I don't know my privileges. Does  that mean I get to reach out to them? Never-ending questions, endless  possibilities, countless infinites.

I  couldn't even remember everything but I was sure my heart belonged to  Jennie. Even myself now I feel like it isn't only the human version of  me that loved Jennie. It was me. I loved her and it hurt every time I  admitted it to myself. So what went wrong? What is this lingering pain  crawling inside of me that felt like it kills me every time?

I  felt like I was dying repeatedly in pain. She wasn't the one that felt  dying. I did and I don't understand. Was I dying too like Jennie? If I  was, I would have seen a reaper around her or a certain aura my body  would project but there's nothing. I can't see Jennie's and I can't see  mine. I closed my eyes and realized I was back in my human form.

I  was able to touch again and it was addictive. I longed for it the first  time I was taken away from my body. As reapers, we can transform  ourselves into humans but we don't have senses. It's like those things  that the living feel and we just don't have that. To be able to touch is  one of the things we cannot do. But being back in my own body as human,  It gave me back all of that and it felt wonderful. Being alive felt  wonderful.

I  held Jennie's hand and intertwined my fingers on hers as we sat on the  couch together. Her hands were warm and soft it felt so right with her.  Like we've been doing this for a long time already and on my part, I  missed it a lot. I didn't know you could miss someone this much knowing  that I just remembered bits of our times together today. "Why are you  with me?" I asked her and she snuggles herself next to me. "Because I  can't imagine life with anyone else but you." She said and it felt so  real to me.

"Why  are you with me?" She asked me back and I paused. Why was I with her?  Why did I love her and why are we together? Another flashback came to  me. We were in high school and the girls were teasing her because she  spent so much time picking flowers at the school backyard. They said she  picks flowers because no one will give it to her so she picks them on  her own. But that wasn't the case. She's just fond of the primroses. I  didn't want her to get teased so I started picking those for her  afterschool and then I'd give it to her. That's the time where my  feelings for her started changing. I didn't think of her as my family or  as a friend. I was in love with her and that's where it began. It  started with the primroses. "Because you like flowers." I told her and  it caused her to raise an eyebrow. "You're with me because I like  flowers?" She asked. "Yes, because that was the time I knew I fell in  love with you." I said lovingly and kissed her forehead.

"I  love you." She told me as she reaches for my lips and kisses it. "I  love you too, in all eternities." I said. "Why are you being so  ridiculously romantic and somber today, I'm not used to it" She said and  laughed. Hearing her laugh gave me one of the best feelings. It was  heartfelt, warm, and fuzzy. It overwhelmed me to the point I could cry. I  was missing many things and I didn't want the feeling to end.  Those  flowers. I knew it had to be something. Primroses, it's Jennie and it  will always be her.

"What  do you think will happen after we die?" She asked me and I was caught  off-guard. "Why are you thinking of such thing? You're alive that's all  that matters."  I told her as my heart ached. Did she feel she's going  to die soon?  "It just came over me. When I die, I wonder what it's like  to see the paradise. Angels and all of that. Have you heard of Seraphs?  They have six wings. I want to have wings too." She said and I felt  like my heart just died with her.

Seraphs,  paradise, angels, It was all her. It was what she wanted and I was  trying to become one. It's all because of her and it had always been  about her. A lump in my throat formed as I couldn't speak. It hurt a lot  to know I was doing the things I was doing because she told me she  wanted to have wings. Maybe she's a Seraph already and she was telling  me to become one so we can be together. Are you up there Jennie? Can you  hear me? Please give me a sign if you can hear me. I miss you a whole  lot and I am here.

I'm painfully missing you Jennie. I wish I knew sooner.