Last Kiss

Chapter 2

Day 5.

I wake up once again with a pounding headache and a tear stained face. The night kept playing over and over again in my mind last night, reminding me of the pain and emptiness in my chest. I couldn’t sleep last night and just cried, finally I drifted off, but only to be jerked awake again by another dream. It may have been a happy memory or a bad one, but both were now nightmares.

My mom keeps telling me it’s going to get better, but when? When will my life not feel like shit? When will the day come when I don’t want to throw myself out the window?

I glance up at my cracked door and see my mother walk by, chatting grimly on the phone. I shut my eyes tight as she peeps in, and I hear her talking.

“She’s asleep right now, Natalie.” She sighs and pauses. Natalie? Why would my mother be talking to my best friend? “No, she hardly comes out of her bedroom except to go to the bathroom or get a bottle of water.” I feel my mother’s eyes roaming my face and I pray she doesn’t know I’m awake, I want to hear this. “I know, I try, but she hardly eats… I am so scared.” Hardly eats? Is she joking? I eat all the time. “I will tell her you called, yes.” My mother walks away and her voice fades out.

Sighing, I feel a big wave of guilt wash over me. I haven’t returned any of my friends calls. Not Natalie, not Olivia, not my soccer coach, no one. I knew they had called from the vibrations coming from my closet where I had chucked it every two minutes. I didn’t want to see anyone, how could I? I look week, I look tired, I look… worthless.

I am worthless.

Another memory flashed before my eyes and it clouded my vision before I could stop it.

Grade 11, spring season of soccer, we had a game agenised Beau Leutemont, a French high school about 45 minutes away from us. Ethan had driven me in his red Chevy pickup truck because my mom had a trial up state. Ethan’s big brown and white Saint Bernard, named Sebastian hung his head out the side of the pickup. I watched him in the mirror laughing as his ears and lips caught the wind making them flap, Seb didn’t seem to care. I also looked at how Ethan looked out the rear view mirror every minute, checking if Sebastian was ok. He loved him so much, it was the family dog, but everyone knew the dog belonged to Ethan. One time, he let Seb stay on the bed as we had sex, it seemed funny at the time, but I didn’t like how Sebastian looked at me after.

The whole way there I was jumping in the passenger seat asking Ethan when we were going to get there, I turned the stations as my favourites when out of range, and cursed the rising, beating sun. I was sweating and nervous in my soccer uniform, the baggy v-neck striped baby blue and white shirt and our tight black Under Armour spandex that the girls all voted on wearing. As we were voting for the spandex at the end of practice one day in grade 10 instead of the baggy soccer shorts all the other schools had to wear, the football team overheard after their practice. The guys, including Ethan all shot their hands up with us girls as we voted looking eager in watching us girls run around in small shorts. Our coach, Mr. Craig, but first name Victor even though we all call him Vicky shook his head and complied on the short shorts.

“Calm down, Carson, jesus we’re almost there.” Ethan laughed, almost hanging a right at a red light but stopped and waited for another car to pass before he turned, but decided agenised it again. I sighed dramatically.

“Well we won’t be if you keep driving this speed, Grandpa.” I teased and poked him in the ribs, and he swatted my hand away. I always made fun of Ethan’s driving, he drove 50, I drove two times that. Ethan hated my driving though, and always insisted he take the wheel. I tell him his car is crap and that we should just go in mine and he just strokes his car and mumbles things to it.