ambivalent

chapter one

connor mason

"Here's your change. Here's your change. $2.52" I couldn't help myself. I always had to repeat the words until they sounded perfect.

He was laughing at me. Everyone laughs at me. I'm a freak.

"You gotta stutter?" He asked me.

"What a freak?" His friend said. I looked down in shame. I hated that word, but I knew it was true.

I handed them the money and looked back down. I just wanted them to leave.

"What's wrong with you? Why can't you speak normally?" He asked.

"Yeah, what's your problem?" The other one added.

"I-I-I" What do I say? My heart started racing. My body felt hot and I was starting to sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm having a panic attack.

"Let's just go." Both boys walked away and I don't think I've ever been more thankful for something in my life. My body went back to its normal state. I only had a few more minutes before I could leave work and go home.

Friday night. Most people my age would be at a party, at a club or with their friends, but I wasn't and not just because I was working. I had no friends and I hated social interaction.

I always felt uncomfortable around other people. I liked to stay at home. Where I was safe, leaving the house was scary to me. The only place I go to is work and that's because I needed money.

Working at a convenient store wasn't the best paying job but it still payed. I don't think many other places would want to hire someone who has social anxiety. So I was thankful for my job but I hated it at the same time because I had to talk to people. Something I don't like. Alot.

I had been diagnosed with OCD and general anxiety when I was about 17 years old. I was now twenty years old and I still hadn't gotten better. I have medication that I'm supposed to take that helps me, although it didn't seem to be working. I recently quit taking the pills because after three years they still hadn't done much for me.

Home sweet home. I didn't have any plans tonight except for binge-watching Netflix and eating food. I counted the chips on my plate. 22 chips. I counted again. 22 chips. I counted again. 22 chips with salsa.

I excessively counted items to make sure they were symmetrical. I liked items to be even not odd. Everything had to be perfect.

I wanna be normal. Just normal. Is that too much to ask for?

The front door slammed open. I turned around to see my boyfriend since high school. We have been together for 4 years. We started dating when I was sixteen years old and he was eighteen years old. When life was good, before I was diagnosed.

Once I turned eighteen that's when it got really bad. It still is.

"Where's my dinner?" Luke yelled at me. "What, you only made yourself something huh?"

"Oh wait, you probably can't focus to do anything productive can you? You're so stupid and worthless." He walked into the kitchen to get himself something to eat.

I am stupid and worthless. I can't do anything.

I went back to my bed and laid there thinking about how much I hate myself.

First chapter of my new book! What do you think so far?