Cry to the Blue Moon [FINISHED]

When the Sunrise feels like a Sunset

I was hanging out with my friends once out of town for three days and two nights. For my friends, it's a mere reunion and catching up. For me, it was running away. Basically, I was running away from life. There were eight of us in the group - Sasha, Luce, Gail, me, Blake, Calloum, Daniel and Sid. The day we arrived at Banaue, we do morning sightseeing, dropped our bags to our accommodation before we went caving. We did the caving connection wherein we started from Lumiang Cave and we'll get out of the Sumaguing Cave.

That night, everyone's asleep except me who went out of the room and hang around in the nearby chair within the balcony. Normally, I would be with my headphones but that very moment, I just listen to my surroundings. I can hear some dog barking, some birds chirping and the gust of wind. It was supposed to be cold but with my jacket and shorts on, everything seems so perfect - so ideal. I closed my eyes and hummed in my mind with my feet when I felt someone sat beside me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you really okay?" he said with his eyes now staring straight at mine. That's when I realized that he might felt me being distant at times.

"I guess so." I said half lie. He just nod and sighed. We were sitting beside each other but opposite directions. I was facing the grills while he is facing the door of our unit. We stayed quiet for quite a few minutes barely talking, just within our zones.

"If you need someone... you know that you can count on me, right?" he said in a while.

"Don't."

"What?" He asked me in a very curious way at least from what I can make out of his voice.

"Stop whatever you have in mind. Don't even start," I told him.

"Raia..."He said in a very understanding voice that I felt that he understand. I felt he somehow understand what I am going through.

"You can't always be there, Blake. You and I both know it. We will forget our promise even if it's unintentional. I don't even know when it will attack. You can not be burden with guilt when the shit takes over me," I told him as a matter of fact. Whatever he is offering, I can not accept it. It will be hard for both of us. I will expect a lot and even if he unintentionally break that, it will add more weights. I can not go through the same disappointments.

I heard him sigh so loud it kinda breaks my heart. For a moment, I want to change whatever I said to him awhile ago. It took a lot of willpower to not to.

For the first time, someone close was able to get a glimpse of my prison. He's like a sunrise at that very moment - my own personal sunrise. The heat from the rays should be able to warm the cold space around me. For a moment, I saw a flicker of hope.

However, that sunrise felt like a sunset. It's kind of warm but the cold is slowly spreading. At that very moment, I decided one thing that I probably regret one of these days. Don't get me wrong. I want to have someone beside me to help me when the shit is taking over but I am also very afraid that they'll grew tired of understanding me and my situation. How many times have it been? I can not go through it again or it might become my demise. I still want to stay.