My Replacement Husband

My Replacement Husband (2) No Easy Way to Say Goodbye

When I woke up, I found myself laying on the couch under a pile of questionably clean clothes (okay maybe worn once or twice) and a small mountain of subscription magazines I never touched (okay maybe I looked up how to lose 10 pounds in 10 days before giving up and ordering a milkshake).

"You couldn't have carried me to my bed?" I asked before twisting myself onto my side to stare into my ceiling. I knew Ethan wouldn't have left, and he wasn't napping because his infamous snoring would have woken me up.

"You're pretty bossy for someone who just K.O.'ed in a pile of dirty gym socks," Ethan retorted from somewhere near the kitchen. I turned my head, wincing at a throbbing headache at my temples, to look outside the window. It was dark outside but not pitch black.

"How long?" I asked.

"Not too long, an hour," he said.

"Can I sit up?" I asked.

I heard shuffling. "Slowly."

Ethan placed a pillow behind my back as he slowly helped me elevate my body upwards. He went back into the kitchen and returned with a glass of water which I happily drank. I was parched. I shifted my feet which he had elevated with aforementioned questionably clean clothes.

I felt his warm hand brush against my hair, pausing for a split second before he shifted away.

"Do you know what would have been funny?" I asked rhetorically. "If after you asked I didn't wake up or something. It would be like: would she have said yes or no? Find out next week on..."

Ethan's solemn face made me stop speaking.

"Hey..." I said softly. My stomach felt queasy again at the look he was making. "Sorry. Sorry that was stupid. I say stupid things to break up the tension. It's like a comedic relief after something serious happens. That's me. I'm sorry."

My mouth felt incredibly dry again. "Ethan?"

"I'm not going to take the fellowship in California," he said.

I scowled. "Doing your cardiology and heart surgery fellowship at Smidt Heart Institute has always been your dream. You've looked up to those surgeons all your life. How can you give up on that? How can you give up on finding your birth mom?"

Ethan was the underdog all his life. Abandoned by his birth parents at a hospital in California only to be adopted by another family in New York who eventually decided that he was too unruly to take care of. They didn't understand the mental and physical toll of 12 years in the orphanage system. 

Against the odds, he graduated top of his class in high school and college and performed in the top 10% in medical school. The world was his oyster, and now I felt like because he had met me it was just another limitation in his way. He stayed in New York for medical school and residency to spend some more time with his adoptive parents before he went off to search for his birth mother until his goals got sidetracked.

When you felt like a roadblock, ironically there was no way around it. Each sacrifice they made for your sake felt like a stake to the heart. No matter how they tried to spin it because when you love someone you see their fullest potential. 

It hurt to see that you weren't helping them reach their dreams.

Ethan didn't tell me that sometimes he barely slept so that he could go from his shift to see me, but his eyes were always tired and he refused to stay inside for the lazy day, couch dates. He didn't talk about not fighting for surgeries he wanted to do because they interfered with important days in my schedule.

"Cornell is a great program too, and it's here. I could care less about where I train, it's all the same wherever I go, but you know what isn't the same? It's you, Julie," he said. "Life is about compromises. I'll stay here. I want to stay right here next to you."

I covered my eyes with my forearm. "Ethan, you say everything a girl dreams to hear."

The tears could not be stopped anymore. "I wish you didn't say it like you were giving up something so important to you. I hate it, Ethan. I hate that you can't do what I know you can achieve because of me."

"That's not true," he argued. "Julie, believe in us."

I shook my head still unable to look at him. "What about your mom? She's alive, Ethan. You have a real chance to look for her if you go to California. If you stay here who knows what could happen to her? Let me come with you instead if anything."

"I can't," Ethan croaked. "Julie, you worked so hard to make it here. The city is not kind to pretty, blond girls from Northwick, Alabama, but you made it. You survived and thrived and I am so proud of you. I can't take you away from your career, your friends, and your entire life is here."

I had drenched through the sleeve of my sweater with tears and snot. I wanted to tell him that I was scared. I was scared he would resent me if he stayed here and never got to know his mother. I was scared if it didn't work out, every opportunity he missed, would lay heavy on my shoulders. 

I knew what it's like to feel that pressure - to be indebted to someone even if they didn't laud it over you - because what they gave up you have to now carry on.

"Even if you stay here," I sobbed. "Even if you go to Cornell or Columbia, I won't be with you. I won't. I can't do it. I love you so much, but I can't."

"Julie, you once asked me if love was a feeling or a choice, so if you love me why can't you choose us?" Ethan asked so raspily that I knew even though I couldn't see him that he was crying too. I understood what Kathy meant by dying from loneliness or heartache because it's probably one of the closest things to feeling like it.

"Is it because of your exes? I'm not like your past boyfriends. I'm me, and I know me and me loves...I mean I love..."

I laughed through my tears. It's a watery but genuine laugh. "Go to California. Please, Ethan. If we're meant to be...it'll happen...but don't wait for me."

"Why are you so afraid of taking a chance on us? We could be something real and you're running away from the possibility of being happy," he said because he knows me so well. "I'm not perfect okay, I might hurt you without meaning to, but Julie, I love you. So please don't do this."

I wanted to say yes. Every bone in my body wanted to agree to his proposal, let him do his fellowship in Manhattan, and live our happy futures together. I wanted to say yes, but saying yes was paralyzing to me. It was allowing me to take a risk I didn't have room to make. No one liked to gamble because they want to lose.

Ethan enveloped his arms around me. He smelled like woodsy pine trees and deep, rich freshly brewed coffee. I could feel in his shoulder that he's given up trying to convince me for now at least. "Julie, you are worth waiting for."

"I'm sorry," I said because sometimes all you feel like you can do is apologize.

There were footsteps that get quieter. Keys jingled. Boxes were moved. I waited to hear the door lock click before I burst into a fresh round of tears. 

I hoped there is a someday again for us, Ethan.