My Replacement Husband

My Replacement Husband (18) Reality

            THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR TELLING ME TO CONTINUE MRH! HERE'S CHAPTER 18. <3

 SURPRISED, WAS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE HOW I FELT AFTER OUR KISS.

We got off at the next stop. This needed some more fleshing out. "What are we doing, Ethan?" I felt like I was going crazy. My own indecisiveness was pushing me to my wit's end, and Ethan was along for this hell of a ride.

We left the subway station and found ourselves seated at the nearest bench. Even in the middle of a hustling busy city, all I could think of was the mess I had put myself into. I was the one who ended it with Ethan, but here I was back in his life. In an almost funny way, it was almost like my situation with Evan in reverse. He was the one who ended our relationship, but now he decided was time for his grand re-appearance act.

"Maybe you're scared we have a good thing, Julie," he finally answered after a long, drawled silence. "Maybe you've been sabotaging our relationship because you're scared of what's next: a serious adult commitment with someone who loves you."

That cut into me a little, but was what he was saying true? "I'm just really confused, Ethan. I don't know what I want in my life."

I was trying my best to figure things out.

"Julie," he let out an exasperated noise followed by my name. "I'm tired of being dragged around by you. Do you know how many women would be over the moon their boyfriend proposed to them? So many of my co-workers are struggling to even get a date, and here you have something real and you're throwing it away. You're throwing us away."
I swallowed hard.

I knew he meant well, but his words dug deep. Was I supposed to be indebted to him? Did he want me to kneel in thankfulness that I wasn't sad and single like his co-workers apparently were?

I stopped myself. Maybe I was being too harsh, and maybe Ethan was tired physically and mentally. I couldn't blame him for snapping a little more than usual. I was seeing new sides to him in the past few weeks even though we had dated for nearly two years. Guilt crept up on me, I was causing this shift in Ethan's behavior due to my own erratic tendencies.

"I'm sorry," I whispered unable to look him in the eyes.

He inhaled deeply. "I'm sorry I'm being this way, but it's already been a month. What's there to think about, Julie? Am I waiting around for nothing?"

It was hard for me not to feel riled up. "You said you were fine with waiting."

"Why are you being so wishy-washy? I didn't ask for you to wait for me," I surprised myself with the words coming out of my mouth. Maybe my talk with Yoona had an effect on me. "I told you I needed time, and you said you would give me time. You didn't even give me a chance to explain the Evan situation, and I'll admit it wasn't a pretty picture but then you accuse me of using you as his replacement."

That part had hurt the most as if all the love we had shared was suddenly dirtied. I knew I wasn't perfect. I knew I was the one who ended things between us first. I was the one who rejected Ethan, and he had a right to be hurt and lash out. I respected that, but it was one thing for him to be upset and another for him to go back and forth on wanting to be with me or not. When we broke up, I knew I was taking the risk that Ethan wouldn't wait for me. Now, I hated how he was using the fact that he was waiting to hold over me.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just that if I don't rush you, I know what's going to happen."

"What's going to happen?"

"You're going to go back to him," Ethan told me matter-of-factly.

I balked at him. It felt like the same merry-go-round all over again. "I just kissed you. I told you that I loved you, and you're telling me you still believe that?"

"I didn't get into medical school by being stupid, Julie. I saw how he looked at you at the hospital," Ethan retorted brusquely. "I don't want you to go back to him just because he's your first love and some part of you thinks you're destined to be together now that he's back in your life. He's going to hurt you again, and by then, I won't be there to pick up the pieces. I just can't do it to myself as much as I love you. It's too painful to try to fix you."

I stood up from my seat. Emotions swirled in my chest as I looked at Ethan. My heart ached more than anything in that moment. There were so many things I wanted to tell Ethan. I wanted to tell him I didn't care about how Evan looked at me or that he confessed to me.

Sure, I was moved by Evan's declaration, but I wasn't about to jump into his arms and ride off into the sunset with him because of that. The thought of Evan had barely crossed my mind the past few years. I had grieved our relationship after he was gone, but I moved on. I had committed myself to my relationship with Ethan...while we were together at least. I wasn't ever waiting for Evan to swoop back in to 'take his rightful place'.

Part of me wanted to say all of that to Ethan, and another part of me wondered if it was even worth wasting my breath over. It wasn't about any of that. Those were all smaller pieces of the bigger puzzle.

As much as I loved Ethan, he wouldn't believe in me. It was fair of him not to after what I had done, but his high-and-mighty attitude crossed a line. He was painting me out into a deluded girl who believed in the romance stories she helped published as real-life and not just fantasy. I thought I knew Ethan, but maybe this was Ethan.

All I was sure of was that I needed a break from this conversation. "You won't need to pick up any pieces because even if my heart gets broken by you or by Evan or by whoever comes my way, I'd rather be alone than be 'fixed' by you, doctor. You can save your saving grace for someone else."

"Julie..." he held my hand.

"I'm sorry," I told him. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I know my choice to refuse your proposal must have caused you a lot of pain that I can't even imagine, and I know a lot of how you're acting is from that pain I made you feel. I'm not going to say I did it for your sake solely. I did it for me too because I know that this pain would be way worse down the line if I stayed with the way things were between us."

My eyes glazed. "I didn't want to be where we are now, but we still ended up here anyway."

"Julie..." Ethan's voice was shaky now.

I finally turned to face him. "Ethan, I really do love you. I know everything is crazy right now, and I'm trying not to hold things against you. I put us in this mess, I'll own up to that, but you can feel free to back out anytime. I won't blame you if you do, but don't blame me for doing what I need to do for my life right now. It's not noble of you to say you're here for me but pretend like I'm forcing you into any of this. If you want to use this as leverage for your pity party it won't work on me. I fold."

"So, what? Is this it for us...?" he asked, his voice thick with hurt.

I almost wanted to burst into tears from the sound of his voice alone.

After mustering up the last bit of my courage I finally said: "I still need time."

I took one last look at him. "I'm sticking to what I said I wanted to do originally and figuring out what I want. I'm not ending us for good, I just wanted to let you know how it's going to be when you try to guilt trip me intentionally or not. I'm not changing my mind about the situation, Ethan, the so...the only question left is: are you...?"

I took his silence as an opportunity to remove his hand and make my way back downstairs to catch the next uptown train rolling in.