Daydreams

Once upon a simpler time

Before double digits

Brought with it

A whirlwind of emotional instability

I would lay in bed at night

Listening to the radio

And the songs that played

Would carry me away

Into pre-sleep dreams

Of fancy and fame

Of family and wonder

Of love and adventure

But

Now, my waking dreams

Are Filled

With a hand cocked gun

Aimed at my temple

Trigger seconds away from being pulled

I stand ready

Waiting

Wishing

All of my focus

Tuned to this man

With my life in his hands

Seconds away

From ending my misery

Or

They become a vision

Of my form

Standing stock still

In the middle of a dreary road

Illuminated by two headlights

Rapidly approaching

While I brace myself

For the inevitable impact

Or

Sometimes

The vision hits me

When I drive

Knuckles burnt white

Gripping

The steering wheel tight

Trying to submerge the crushing urge

To yank the car to the right

And send myself careening

To the murky waters beneath me

A way to jump off a bridge

That seems more like an accident.

Then

There are times

When I wrap my hands

Around my throat

Just to feel the pressure

And for a moment

I feel one step

Closer

To home