When You Were Never Mine: Part 2

My Memory Sucks

Steve and Bucky were on the run.

The look on Tony's face as he stared Bucky down in those final seconds at the hospital was burned into Barnes' memory like a white-hot brand, but he didn't try to clear away the searing heat of that pain. He welcomed it, he deserved it, he wanted the image to be the last thing he saw at the end of his life so that he could carry his guilt to hell just as he deserved.

Bucky killed you and he would never forgive himself. It didn't matter that he acted as the Soldier; he took you from Tony mere hours after the happiest moment in your lives, and Bucky would have gladly allowed him to end it all, but Steve wouldn't have it. He had to drag his friend away from the hospital when Tony advanced on them, fully covered in a suit and repulsors fully charged to strike.

Since that moment, Bucky wouldn't know another second alone; Steve knew better than to let the man out of his sight. Hydra made sure that their soldiers had several methods for ending their own lives when cornered, effective and efficient, and the look in Bucky's eyes told Steve that he had played the options over and over in his mind since they took their first step into hiding.

The two men found themselves in a dark corner of the city, holed up in a train car for the night while they planned what their next move would be. The light of day would come soon enough, and the city that never slept would become even more active as the workday began. They wouldn't be able to hide here for long, and they both knew it.

"Steve, just go home," Bucky groaned, rubbing his eyes in frustration. He toyed with the idea that maybe if he pushed his thumbs into them with enough force, he could blind himself from the picture of your face haunting him. He even gave it a little try just for some light self-torture. "I've run before, you haven't."

"Actually, I have."

"Not like me, ya haven't," he scoffed. "I go underground, Steve. I disappear. You know that better than pretty much anyone. If I don't do that now, anywhere I go makes me an easy target for Tony, and you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm tempted to just stand in the middle of Central Park and let him blast me into oblivion. What's the point in hiding? I fucking did this, so I should face the consequences."

"Buck," Steve argued, "we're going to figure this out. Once things settle down a little, we'll talk to him. He knows that it wasn't really you. Deep down, he knows."

Bucky took a breath and held it, trying his best to hold back the wave of tears that threatened to spill, trying to swallow away the lump in his throat that choked him. When he failed miserably, he pushed his body back to the grime of the wall, thumping his head loudly against it until the headache came. "I did this, Steve, get it through your goddamn thick skull. I don't want to live with this, but you won't let me die."

"No, I won't. This isn't the end, we can work through-"

"No, Steve!" he snapped, looking at him with eyes filled with fire and rage. "There's nothing to work through, alright? She's dead. (Y/N) is dead. I killed her and I don't want to live with this. Do you even understand the pain I'm in? I felt her die. My chest has a gaping hole in it where my heart used to be...the heart she helped me find again. I can't breathe. Half of me is gone, Steve, and she's not coming back. We can talk about it until we're blue in the face but it won't change a damn thing. It won't change the fact that the next time I stand face-to-face with Stark, I'm not going to run away, and I'm not going to fight back. So please, go home, Steve. You should start forgetting me now because this is one fight that you ain't gonna win."

~~~

When Tony walked back into the hospital, the first face he saw was Nat's, and she was pissed unlike anything else he had seen from her before. She wasn't about to let him pass to get to your room until she had her chance at him, and he steeled his nerves and his bravery as best as he could with each step that she took closer. There weren't many people in the world who could actually scare him like Nat could, other than maybe you.