When I Love You

Chapter 10: When I love you

I use to say "When I Love you" I'd be ready to love you fully with no problems. I didn't realize I loved you then. Now that I've realized that after we've broken up... I feel pain. One that I've never experienced before. One that leaves me awake at night, thinking. The pain I experience makes me wish I was incapable of love. It's the kind of love that makes me want to sit in a dark room, alone, crying. It's the kind of pain that leaves most broke. I have no one you can talk to, that I haven't torn off of me, that can tell you. But just know at night I cry. People I talk to say "He probably feels the same pain, darlin'." But anytime I see you... your smiling. People tell me. "He's trying to hide it." But then others say, "He moves on quickly." 

Now I regret loving you. I didn't know I'd lose you. I didn't know I'd feel my heart tearing. When I love you was a story to tell you things I couldn't say. When I love you was a way to say "I Love you" when I couldn't tell you "I Love you". And honestly those times you said it made my heart skip a beat, made me blush and made my stomach fill with butterflies. Things I never felt with others I've dated. So it felt harder to say those 3 words. And anytime I said "I love you" I meant it.I guess I'm trying to say I loved you... and that I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that when I did love you. I love your stupid jokes that come out of nowhere.I loved how you would randomly give me hugs. Even though I wouldn't admit it while we were dating. (Sorry)I love it when you sit at our table and say we are horrible people for the jokes we make. 

I loved holding your hand and walking in the halls together telling each other about weird stuff. I loved your laugh, your real laugh, and your fake laugh, which honestly still makes me smile. I use to love (and hate) how you would lean in to kiss me but chicken out at the last second.I use to love how you would sit close to me at lunch and just drop the "I Love you" bomb on me making me bright red. I use to love the romantic texts that would come at random, when you missed me or were just thinking about me. I use to love the little gifts you'd get... actually never mind those always made me feel guilty.I use to love the video-calls we'd make when we missed each other, and I loved when you wouldn't mind that I'd call at random times. I love how you told me you liked me, because I dared you to text your crush that you liked them with, "Hey there cute girl". 

I use to love how you'd turned beet red, and embarrassed when I or someone else made fun of you for "liking me".I love your kindness, your compassion, your loyalty, your intelligence, your love for learning, your honesty, your sense of humor, and your big heart.I love the memories we've created... even the bad ones.I loved you even at your worst. I loved you even when we fought (1, verbally). I loved that you wouldn't even threaten or say you would hurt me. I loved that throughout the relationship we trusted each other. I loved seeing your loyalty even towards the end. I loved you even when you came to me mad/confused saying that me or my mother was lying. And when I look into the past I smile, knowing that maybe our memories will linger in the past and that you have moved on. 

I hope you haven't because I love you.

I hope that when I love you you'd love me too.