When I Love You

Chapter 1: Shell

People told me that I was broken. That I was born broken because no matter how hard I tried I could not love. My parents looked to me with disappointment because no matter what they did I was still the broken child they gave birth to. I could not say things I did not believe. I would not say such things with no meaning. People should not say lies to another with no meaning behind one's words.

My mother said, "that's how the world works love."

My father said. "that's how relationship ends out. You lie until you believe it yourself."

My sisters were able to lie like the rest of the world which had pleased my parents a lot. Whereas I, their failure child, could not.

Throughout the years, I was bullied and tormented. I did not care though I was different I had been taught that for years I was not normal, and the normal life had escaped me. And with that, I could not depend on anyone else on this earth but those that depended on me.

As the years passed tears did not come to me easily. Rarely did I cry, only when the people that I cared about, not loved, left me.

And then my knight in shining armor came. You made me feel when I thought I would never be able to. You saved me from falling. You changed me. Well, I changed myself for You. I became a girl. I was not before you but when I met you, fell in love with you, you managed to change everything I hated about myself.

I stood with people, talked to people. I wore dresses, and flats.

Just for you.

I grew out my hair. Started believing people. Started to care a lot more. I was human. Those days of being nothing but a shell went behind me.

At least that is what I thought...

When it comes to love I do not understand it.

People can tell you they love you and manage to hurt you anyway. They can break your heart before your eyes. My first boyfriend sent me back to the lifeless era I had come out of 7 years ago. While dating one another he told me he loved me.

He also told my best friend those exact same words.

It made what you did disappear. I stood alone, hurt. I did not understand how people can say they loved someone and break their hearts.

I could not understand how my friend and he could hurt me. I sat alone hurting, even though I never really loved him. I loved you. He was just practice. I did not know what I did wrong.

I went looking and looking but I could not see that it was not me that had the problem it was him. He had never been in a relationship for long, he liked going from girl to girl, he liked going around breaking girls hearts.

And hurting them in the process. In that action, I protected myself from having another heartbreak. I stood alone. Wouldn't date. And with that, I became unpopular, well more than I already was. I didn't care though. Not then at least. I only wanted to protect my heart, and in that act, I became a shell again. 

A shell, what I believed I would always be. I didn't care though as long as I wasn't hurt once more. I didn't mind people joking about me. I didn't care. I kept in that unemotional state for the rest of my middle school life. Talking when necessary, being quite, becoming more and more afraid of people and what they could do.

I guess thats the punishment for trusting the wrong people.

I became peoples net when they were upset.

But that was all I was then. 

I was a net someone can use and then throw out.