-SINISTER | vkook (ON HIATUS)

i'm ok : )

hiya guys. it's been a hot minute since my last a/n, and I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm fine. I was just gonna do it in the next update, but I felt really bad for not explaining anything and just leaving you guys hanging for so long with no explanation, and i wasn't sure when the next update would ever be, so I thought I'd make this a/n, since it's already been way too long. and well i guess i owe a bit of explaining now. please keep in mind I'm not the greatest at explaining things, and find it hard to express myself, so if my words don't seem genuine, I'm sorry, but everyone handles their issues differently, and expresses themselves differently. so, think what you want. but I've come to think of some of you as my friends and I want to be open with you. and this is coming from the heart.

so, anyways, onto the explanation.

so, when I wrote that last a/n of mine, I was in one of my paranoid mindsets (it is something that happens fairly often for me, so it's not new). but, this particular breakdown was one of, if not the worst one I've had because, in the heat of everything that was going on at the time, I honestly believed someone was out to hurt me and my family. And, as extreme as it sounds, for a moment I honestly thought I wasn't going to see the next day. (hence the out-of-nowhere, somewhat dramatic a/n). i'm not going to go into detail on here, because I don't believe it is appropriate, and I don't want to put shame on anyone's name, publicly, without anyone knowing the deep backstory. but, needless to say, what happened had left me anxiety filled, mentally drained and then sent me into a dark state of mind. and, even once I realized we were going to be fine, I just didn't feel like myself. so even though the threat in my mind was no longer, I still didn't want to socialize with anyone. I felt distant, you could say.

you might be wondering by this point, why am I talking about this all? well because, I still don't feel like myself. even after almost a month later. yes, I am slowly getting back to normal I think, but there is just something different there. and why is that relevant? because, when I don't feel like myself, I tend to have these moments where I don't want to talk, or do anything at all. and more often than usual. so, the reason I am saying this is because, if for some reason I just stop being active again, I am probably going through one of those moments where I just want to detach myself from everything and everyone, and just keep to myself. I have come to think of it as a coping mechanism, being one with myself, you know.

some may not understand why any of this is relevant to my writing, but i assure you, it is. when I write, yes, it helps my anxiety and depression to an extent, but I want you to understand that sometimes it becomes too much to where I just can't. I've always struggled with pretty severe anxiety/paranoia issues, and it's not certain in what will trigger it, as a lot of things do. and sometimes it just happens randomly, where I will just wake up one day thinking something is terribly wrong, or something is going to happen to me or my mom. and it really is debilitating, and is a horrible thing to live with. I don't wish it on anyone. so, if you want fast, consistent updates, I'm sorry but as much as I'd like to, I just don't think I can with how my mood changes from day to day. (but, believe it or not, i certainly try!)

but, I'm happy to say, I feel even better now just opening up with you guys. yeah, I know some people might just think of this as attention seeking, but idgaf. i've learned that opening up is a great therapy for me ,and plus, like I said, i just want to be a writer that feels comfortable opening up with their (wonderful) readers : ).

so, yes. that's what happened and I am truly sorry if I made anyone worry. I should never have done that without giving a proper explanation, but I was really scared at the time and my brain was just a mess to be perfectly honest with you. I do 💜you guys, and I hope you forgive me for being so all over place, I really should have thought more about the impact it may have.

but, I just want to say one last thing while I'm on this subject before I end this a/n, because maybe it will help someone, I don't know.

so, even before this happened to me, i've noticed a lot of people are going through some rough patches in their lives. (my friends talking about their depression, random people posting about how sad they are, meeting so many depressed people in general, etc.) and I just want to say, coming from a person who has been through a lot in their lives; having been bullied, having endured mental abuse and manipulation from a loved one, having lived through financial struggles, and having lived with extreme anxiety to the point I could barely function in the public, i can tell you with confidence, that if you have/are going through any of these things and feel like you can't overcome them, I can assure you- if I can, you can. I know life can be a bitch sometimes, but what's life without it's struggles? without struggles, we wouldn't build character, and we wouldn't grow and become the person we are meant to be. we have to learn to take what has happened to us, and grow from it. life is a journey, and its about becoming the best we can be.

though it wasn't an easy, or quick task, I have the fortune of having been able to learn positivity, and try and maintain that through even the hardest of times. I know it isn't always easy to remain positive (as I've come to realize once again) but I'm telling you, it makes life so much easier when you at least try and look at the bright sides of things, even when it may seem there is no light in sight. (hey im a poet and didn't know it!) i mean, it really has helped pull me out of depressions and dark times a lot sooner than it would have had I focused on all the negative aspects of my past and present. the more negative you think, the more negativity you will attract. but, the good thing about that is, it's the same with positivity. but yes, I understand all of us are human and each of us experience our own hurdles through life, some bigger than others. and I know some of those can seem impossible to get over. but, I am a strong believer in, if you have faith in yourself, you will overcome any obstacle. I'm of course not perfect in maintaining positivity, as I am guilty of slipping back into my negative ways quite often (and yes, it is hard getting out of it sometimes) but i try and take that, and learn from it, so I know how to better handle it when it will (inevitably) happen again. and I hope you will try the same :) trust me, it feels so good to get through something horrible with a smile on your face in the end.

(when negativity tries coming into your life ⇩)

ANYWAYS, I hope who ever reads this has a nice day, or night. and if you are going through any struggles in your life, I wish you the best, and hope for a speedy resolution. and if anyone needs support during their hard times (or any times at all) please, message me. I'm here for you guys, and I care about each and every one of you. even if I might not know you personally. I would love to get to know you guys better : )

update will hopefully be out by next week. ♡ &&if I don't update before christmas, just want to say happy holidays, I hope you have a wonderful time with friends and family. or just a happy day in general! =)

my cat was trying to steal the presents. 😏