Things We Never Said

Chapter 4

I've spent a lot of my time trying to change and deny what I really know to be facts, or rather he knew.

For  instance, I'm not really a rock n' roll kind of guy: I don't like fast paced music, I try to but it doesn't seem like I can write that kind of music anymore.

I also happen to despise being in a group. I'm just glad I was with 3 lads that I liked. But not being the center of attention most of the time really sucked.

And most importantly I hated liking men, but I couldn't deny it. At first I thought it was just me wanting even more attention. Now I know that it's only the attention of one man that I really wanted: Paul's.

......

"So..?" He asked, while helping me unpack my suitcase.

"It was beautiful.." I smiled knowing that's not what he's asking me about.

He cocked his head and looking right into me and I caved in, "alright it was just business talk.."

"So you had to travel all the way to Spain and stay there for a weekend for just that?" He rolled his eyes. "Talk Lennon.."

"We did discuss business but we also discussed.. well.. "business" I let my sight fall to the floor hoping he would let it past but knowing well he wouldn't.

If only he knew it was him I thought of all the time there.

"Please tell me you didn't mean what I think." He closed his eyes trying to not think of the image in his head.

"I fucked him Paul.." I confessed turning into the shocked stare Paul gave me.

"You and Brian.. you.. uh.." he stuttered. "You.."

"Had sex.." I said, "yeah.."

"That's insane!" He blurts out, not knowing what to say. "So.. are you..?"

"Oh god no!"

Yeah, keep lying to your self son...

But am I?

It wasn't until then that I had to sit down an think about it deeply. If I really had to think about it, if Cynthia wasn't pregnant I wouldn't have had to get on this trip. But I was planning on proposing anyway so it isn't her fault.

Am I!?

I didn't think about it but maybe that grin that always forces itself on me whenever I see Brian isn't just a normal smile. But that smile wasn't only reserved for Brian. If anyone it was reserved for Macca.

But how can anyone look at him and not fall slightly in love with him. He's just my best friend and that's how best friends are right?

Absolutely!

I'm not queer. I just had an encounter.

And as anyone would expect that drove me down the worst rabbit hole of my life and poor Cynthia got the worst of that. I couldn't control my drinking even if I wanted to, and I didn't want to. Who was I? Who was this teen heartthrob that was John Winston Lennon.

I lost myself to fame and now my thoughts have taken over and I couldn't get out of my own head.

Then came the aggression and no one had it worse than Cynthia. The poor woman will probably go to the highest level of heaven because of simply having to deal with my shit.

I hit her once and I couldn't look her in the eye for weeks. And I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me. I've hurt the woman that I loved. I was turning into a monster and hate is all I deserved. No sympathy or empathy are being accepted at the moment either, if you want to try again please call later. Sometime after my death maybe and after I'm deep down in hell getting my sins burned out of me.

The funny thing is that Julia knew I would become this monster that I am today. She's supposed to know, she's my mother, but it's fucked that she couldn't changed that and decided not to. I didn't want her to be right but here we are.

And the further away I strayed away the further away Julian grew up and learnt to hate his deadbeat father.

Julian loved me it wasn't until he grew up that he realized how unfair of a situation he was put in. But I did, and I hated it. I didn't want to be anything like my father. And I wasn't. I was worse.

This game was killing me. I loved my fans, sometimes too much, sometimes quite literally. But it was eating away my soul. Maybe that's why I stopped believing in a god.

Or maybe because you didn't feel accepted by any god out there and that I started accepting that I was queer. But getting that was a long Journey.

But first I needed to speak to Brian.

"You... you want to try that again..?" He frowned. "Why?

"Because.... now can we?"

"John wait! Is everything alright." He looked at me to try and decipher me. But as establish before there's only one person who could, and that wasn't Brian.

"Brian! Do you want this or not?"

And as every Beatles fan will tell you, that is all it takes. And at that moment Brian wasn't my best friend, he was just another fan.

And that started it all, my spiral, Help all of it..

When I said I had sex with a man twice, once to try and the second time to make sure I didn't like it. Just because I implied I didn't like it doesn't mean I did...
......

Loosing all hopes of ever confessing my feeling for him drove me to the edge. And that was when I disappeared from reality.

No more Yoko.

No more music.

No more life.

I was done for.

But this time, when I picked up the phone I had a the tiniest of hope that was definitely going to break me down .

I decided to not pick a phone up and Yoko knew that's if I did I would break down. I can't go through loosing him again. Realizing that he will never be on the other side. I just couldn't.

However, being the idiot that I was, I stepped forward and picked up the phone. "Who is it?"

"John... John it's me. "
....

A/N: this is a warning to you all, the reason I didn't update for so long is that this is going to be painful. I have the last chapter semi-ready and if you get hurt quickly DO NOT PROCEED.

If you can't take it John and paul end up together and happy forever.

But if you can deal with pain- I'm soooo sorry. This is going to hurt– a lot!