hospital beds:: remington leith au

[chapter ten]

it's been a few days since family day, where i met rem's idiot brothers who i now love dearly (but don't tell them that). today's the day remington is supposed to get his evaluation to find out when he gets out of this joint. i don't get to find out my own fate for a few more days. personally, i don't really think rem is getting out because of his recent relapses, but i still have my fingers crossed for him as i sit outside of the therapist's door, waiting on him to come out with the news.

just then, interrupting all of my thoughts suddenly, the door opens and out walks the love of my life- looking extremely sad and depressed. obviously, that worries me.

i stand up quickly to follow him, but, in a strange turn of events, he didn't even wait for me to stand up before he started walking away.

"rem! wait up! hey, baby, whats wrong?" i say, my voice flooded with concern, grabbing his arm.

he doesn't respond, he just keeps walking.

"rem!"

"rem."

"remi."

"remote control."

"riverboat."

"ringtone."

"leafy boy."

"remington leith kropp! i swear to fucking god! if you keep acting like i'm not speaking to you and not giving me, your girlfriend, a single ounce of your respect, i'm gonna punch you in your dick"

he whips around quickly, staring me down.

"you should just move on already! you're going to get out of here before me and want someone who isnt me and want to move on after you leave! and you're going to fucking outlive me anyway so whats the point? all being with me is doing is hurting you." he yells at me and i stare at him for a second, my jaw falling slack at his words before i quickly compose myself.

"if you threaten to kill yourself one more time, i'll be the one who does it, remington! i'll actually fucking let you tie off my noose if that'll make you happy" i screamed back, well aware that we're in the middle of the hall and several therapists likely just heard me say i'd hang myself and let him tie the noose for me, seeing his stunned face. with that, i turn on my heels and walk to my room, leaving him to mull over my words.

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its been a few hours since we fought in the hallway and i've been sitting sadly but also quite angrily in my room the whole time. i honestly don't know whether i want to see remington and make amends or just sit here and continue to throw little knick-knacks at a wall until the sun rises and falls again.

i hear a soft knock on my door.

"come in" i say faintly, almost positive on who it is- the man himself

and sure as the world, in walks remington, looking like a lost puppy.

"hey" he mumbles softly.

"hey"

"look, i'm sorry. i should have talked to you. i know you were trying to be a good girlfriend and be here for me and i just tried to push you away because i didn't want to hurt you. but i did it in an awful way. i'm sorry ma chérie."

"its okay, rem. i understand. and i'm sorry for snapping at you. i know its not an excuse and that i have to say this way more than i should, but my borderline does that sometimes and i truly am sorry."

we sit in silence for a second, both just taking a bit to let each other's apologies sink in, until i sigh loudly.

"come here" i mutter, gesturing for him to come and hug me.

we hug for a while before i speak up yet again, "you know i love you right? no matter what, i love you and leaving you would hurt more than anything i can imagine. so please don't ever say that again. can you promise me that at least?"

"i promise, ma chérie. i love you too. no matter what" he says softly into my hair "but please please please, don't leave me. you can't do that. you can't kill yourself on me" he breathes out, his voice breaking slightly as he addresses what i said earlier.

we just hold each other for a long time. in complete and utter silence, neither of us addressing the tears we had started shedding. eventually i started crying even harder at the thought of losing him and my body started to shake in his arms, a soft sob falling from my mouth. he pulled me to him even tighter, his own lip quivering a bit.
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"i-i first got diagnosed when i was pretty young" he explains to me. he decided he wanted to tell me the story of his diagnosis now. in his words, 'i want you to understand me completely. i don't want my depression to become a rift for us anymore'

"i wasn't acting like a normal preteen boy. i didn't want to do any of what sebastian ever wanted to do or anything like that. my mom got concerned, took me to see a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me then. i was twelve or so, i think. i don't know really, i actually don't remember much of my childhood. my dad left when we were all kids and sebastian was just about the only father figure i've ever known, so it basically was all a blur of everyone being grossly sad. my mom drank a lot of champagne and would listen to so what by p!nk on repeat every night. i still can't hear that song. shortly after being diagnosed, i started self harming. i've been in and out of hospitals and wards since then. it's kind of glum. i attempted again for what i think is the fourth time a few months ago and that's why i'm here" he tells me. this is the first time i've ever heard any of this story, and yet again it leaves me in tears. violent sobs. it hurt me knowing that he's had to endure that kind of pain. he himself was shedding more tears too, but his hands rested on my cheeks, his thumbs occasionally grazing over my face to wipe away my tears.

"i guess i should tell you my story now too, shouldn't i?" i ask him through my tears. he nods.

"i'd like that, ma chérie."
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-sky and max