I Can't Change - Larry Stylinson

Chapter Fourteen

For full effect, listen to The Scientist by Coldplay. 

Chapter Fourteen

The darkness was palpable when I finally let my eyes creak open. It was so dark, I nearly considered I had died myself- almost wish I had- but as my sight adjusted, I was just in a dark hospital room, in an itchy bed. The room was empty, no friends or family here to greet me warmly when I awoke- but I was partially thankful for that, I didn't want to see anyone.

I achingly remembered what I had been avoiding thinking about, a ragged sob escaping my lips again, my whole body feeling empty. I leaned my head back, gripping at my face, wanting to rip out my hair. The vision of his body limply ricocheting out from under the heavy slam of the defibrillator paddles lifelessly was etched into my brain, replaying over and over.

I laid in agony, feeling so helpless, so alone- more alone than I ever had before. I shook in the silence, in the dark, wanting his arms around me again, looking blearily up as the door opened, harsh light flooding in from the sterile hall. My heart swelled with hope, diminishing as I realized it was a nurse. She paused in the door, looking over my haggard appearance, a solemn look pulling across her pointed features. She tried a warm smile, walking to the edge of the bed, checking my IV.

“Good to see you're awake!” She managed, patting my arm. I swallowed the bile that rose in the back of my throat. Was my Hazza alive? Oh god, I hoped he was. I didn't care about my health right now, and I looked blatantly after her through my tears, my throat burning as she headed to the door, rambling mindlessly about how my family would be here soon.

“Where's Harry?” I called out after her, and I watched her flinch as she shut the door behind her, leaving me in utter shock and horror, the darkness swallowing me whole.

Maybe she just didn't hear you. I began shaking uncontrollably again, leaning forward, feeling as though my heart had been torn out from my chest. I had seen her flinch. I let out a wretched sob, looking up at the ceiling, breathing unevenly.

He was gone.

My Hazza. He was gone.

I didn't want to feel anymore, I felt my body growing numb with my violent sobs, feeling my stomach lurch uncomfortably. I didn't know what to think, fuck that- I didn't want to think, but images of his perfect smiling face fluttered about my mind, the way his eyes crinkled up when he laughed, his perfect dimples. I pressed my hands to my temples, whimpering pathetically.

Oh God, Hazza. I can't live without you. My brain rambled on, and I shook my head furiously side to side until I felt dizzy. I couldn't believe this. If it weren't for the IV attached to my arm, I would be running through these halls looking for him. The more I was left alone, the more I began thinking the most putrid thoughts.

No more waking up to your smiling face anymore, to you juggling pears while waiting for breakfast to be finished. No more hearing your angelic voice- the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. No more kissing you and holding you. I tortured myself with these, my tears dying out, as though I had run out of them to cry. I just leaned back in my numbness, staring across the room at the glossy poster of the beach.

Where ever you are, Haz, I hope it's nice. I pray you're not in the darkness. I wretched, dry sob heaved it's way out of my mouth with this thought. You don't belong there, I hope Heaven is real, I hope it's filled with people as lovely as you. You were the most lovely thing in my life, and that's why you left, I guess. The best people seem to go first.

I laid there in the dark, not knowing what the time it was anymore- and honestly I didn't care. What did time matter when you had no where to go, no one to see? I often found my eyes trail across the room, searching something for sharp, something I could tear across my skin, I needed to get out of this pain. But I knew I couldn't leave like that, I couldn't leave my family behind. It was selfish. I gripped the rails of the bed, looking over at the door as it opened again to the same nurse. She walked slowly, sheepishly in, patting my arm again.

“You can go walk around for a bit, just stay easy, you got a concussion from falling to the floor after passing out. Be back here in 10 minutes, and you're family got stuck in traffic, so they'll be a bit later than expected.” She said in a rushed tone, biting onto her lip as she removed the IV from my arm, wiping away the small spot of blood on my wrist. The vision of him laying limply on the floor filled my mind, and I felt the burn in my throat grow until I let out a low whimper, clenching my teeth hard. She helped me out of bed, and I slowly shuffled out of the room, the light nearly blinding me, burning my already sensitive eyes, but the pain felt good so I didn't shield them. I aimlessly hobbled around, before I rounded a corner, finding myself in line with Harry's door. I stood there for a moment, hesitant to look in. I took in a deep breath, peering in through the little window.

The room was dark, and hopelessly empty. I let my chin loll to my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks, off the tip of my nose. It hadn't been but 5 minutes, and I couldn't bear the light anymore, I wanted to be back in my dark room, so I shuffled back, letting her reattach me to the IV, and when she was gone, I fell back into my pit.

I knew my body was tired, exhausted even, but my mind refused to stop reeling over the things that hurt me most, and finally, I begged the nurse for a sleeping aid. I took it eagerly when handed, leaning back, feeling my vision grow blurry, my mind growing lax, as I finally fell into sleep, finally escaping the thoughts, hoping my family wouldn't awake me for sometime.

It was such a beautiful day for him, the air was crisp and clear, the sky so perfectly blue with big cumulus clouds hovering about. My eyes swept glossily across the graveyard's expanse. The grass was deep green, littered with headstones of marble and other stone, which winked under the sun. We were all huddled around his rather large headstone, which I couldn't bare to look at, instead glanced about at everyone there, cloaked in black. My eyes rested particularly on Anne, who's black hat covered most of her face, shading away her sullen tears.

I was breathing slowly, to make sure I did not lose it again, as I always did. The funeral was quite private, only the band mates, and his close friends and family were here. He would want to come out as he came in. My eyes burned, and I covered my mouth, my chin wobbling as my eyes turned onto the polished black casket- closed as to the fact no one could bare look at his sunken in face, his slowly limping curls, his once rye, lean and full of life body now limp and never to move again.

I looked down at the blazer I had decided to wear- one of his, his favorite bow-tie in my hands.

I couldn't hold it back any longer, feeling the broken sobs come retching up, feeling Liam's arms around me. I limply fell into him, my hands trembling as I watched the casket begin to lower into the earth, where he would lay for an eternity. My heart throbbed, and I couldn't help but fall to my knees. There was no One Direction without Harry, for god sakes he created the name. It was not the same. As the casket lowered into the hole, I felt my whole body tremble violently, turning my eyes up at the sky, studying the clouds, letting out a long sigh.

“I love you, Haz. Keep me company, alright?” I whispered out, so lowly I could barely ever hear it myself. But I knew he heard me. My chin lolled to my chest again, his scent still on his blazer, a sweet and musky smell, that drove me further into oblivion. I must have been on the ground crying for sometime, because when I looked up, everyone was gone. I looked behind me, to see the last few disappearing over the crest of the hill.

The hole was filled, and his headstone glinted beautifully, and I finally allowed myself to pull myself to my feet, walking slowly to it's base, resting his bow tie at the very center, feeling the tears coming again. I remembered the time before one of our shows when he frustratedly was leaning into a mirror, trying to tie that same bow tie, and I had come up and swiftly tied it for him, and he leered down at me, grinning like mad, before pecking my forehead with a light kiss. The memory drove me back into the ground, and I leaned against the headstone for support, as though Harry himself was there, my rock, holding me up when I needed him.

“I'll see you one day, Hazza. And I'll tie all of your bow ties and kiss you until I'm sick of it, which will be never. But we'll have an eternity...” I whispered, laughing brokenly, patting the stone one more time.

“I guess this is goodbye then, Harry.” I said through a sigh, wiping my tears, turning on my heel when I heard a familiar voice calling for me, a simper of a sigh, keening at me from somewhere. I rubbed my eyes, my heart thudding hollowly in my ears, and every step I took away from his corpse, I felt like a piece of me was being torn away, and I could no longer see where I was going due to the tears.

Let him go.